Kidding Myself

I was really just kidding myself when I said that I was going to start writing more personal entries on here – there just isn’t any point. For me to really write about anything I’d have to write about everything, and I just can’t write about everything. So, any time I write about something “personal” I’m going to wrap any truth in ambiguity and intentionally let all of you make inaccurate assumptions, because I can’t bear it any other way. I could write entries about things I’ve done, things that have happened to me (granted, mostly things I’ve done), but, ultimately, I’m always going to leave out things, there’s always going to be parts I can’t write. And it amuses me that I’m doing it even now – writing ambiguous nonsense that no one could ever decipher, with any conclusions that could possibly be drawn being grossly wrong, because that’s just the only way I can have it.

It’s just, I guess I’m realizing that I can’t pick up writing personal entries about things happening now if people are really going to grasp any of it. I’m always only going to be giving part of the story. So, I could keep writing entries about, say, Heather, and how I’m sad we broke up, but it’s all just talking around the things that really happened. People just end up with all the wrong impressions (like, say, “Heather treated me unfairly”), and I’d just rather people had no impression than a wrong one.

Still, I’m not going to stop writing – I’m just conceding that this place will likely always just be where I write goofy entries about RFIM’s and playing board games with Kyle. In their own stupid way, those entries help me deal with things too. I guess I’m just falling back on my same old theory: If I pretend long enough that I’m ok, then eventually I’ll forget I’m pretending and I just will be.

So, this entry is a disclaimer: Much of my diary is an illusion. It isn’t fiction, no. But it isn’t the real me either. It’s an ideal me. And if I pretend to be him long enough, maybe one day I won’t be pretending.

october rain

Wow, this is serious. Would a hug be appropriate here? ::hugs anyway:: I would love to see the real you, Matt.

….and to not end on such a serious note…::does a first-note-biiiiitches dance:: (no pun intended)

Miss Britt

I know what you mean… even when admitting something, especially to an “audience”, you’re going to leave things out and change the perception. But I don’t think you can become the “ideal” you without figuring out and coming to terms with the real you, Mat.

Intertwined with you

yeah i quess if you clutch the past too tightly to your chest, you leave your arms too full to embrace the futrue *shrugs* i also know know it feels to leave people in confusion. i guess sometimes i like being the girl backstage more than the girl that steals the show =) in compassion Kaci

ryn: You ass. ^_^

Sometimes I think that its easier for us to live through others than it is to become complete ourselves. We live vicariously, I suppose. And we do this here by writing about who we want to be more than who we are or who we have been. Yet, we easily forget that who we want to be is so much of who we are. There is a fine line between the two. I just havent figured out why it takes us so long to figure out that its ourselves that keep us from becoming. I guess I dont want to just be; I want to become. And I dont know that I agree much with the mentality of believing something until it becomes true. It isnt very different from religion. Here we are, always telling our children of God and all the things Hes done for us until these stories become truth to them. We tell them first because we believe them to be true, or perhaps, we want them to be true. And I suppose in some odd way it makes them true, to us. Oh gosh, now Im going around and validating your tell the illusion to keep the illusion idea. Either way, there will always be something to come along and take that truth away, to pick at it, to contradict it, to say it is false or wrong. . .

heatherette

So even if you do convince yourself that you dont have a past, that you havent made mistakes, that you must forget instead of let go, or just omit instead of tell. How long can you hold on to that illusion if you were to make a mistake again? If I were to stand against you and say, This isnt you. Confidence is not built on fallacies. You always said that ignorance is not bliss. I wonder whatmade you change your mind. When I fell in love with you, it wasnt with the illusion of you. It was you, you and all the omissions. Im not saying you should tell everyone everything about yourself and that in turn the world will all fall in love with you, though that seems to happen a lot. Just that you should realise that though mistakes and all the things that go unmentioned are a part of who you are, not who you are.

You need to write entries that are important to you – screw the readers. Don’t think about the readers will get out of it. If you write parts of what happens in your life and think we can’t get the whole picture because you don’t elaborate, so what?

JenEyre

October 30, 2006

I really liked that last line in your entry. I personally bare my soul in my entries…But in writing (something I love to do) you can always edit yourself and make things sound better or worse according to the plan…

Journeyman

All of us keep something back, but basically, if you can’t write honestly, what’s the point?

michael.

Writing is not a worthwhile thing. If you don’t have a grumpy urge to do it, don’t do it. It’s not like having a job or something useful or essential or good for you. I feebly try and stop from time to time. But who gives a fuck, right? Only you muppets read it, and I don’t know you. And John, he likes the porn and the oneliners, so.

softspot69

October 31, 2006

That kind of made me sad. You should always be yourself honey. Pain is a part of life and you will learn from it and get through it. If you fake your way through it only hurt smore. *hugs*