I think I got carried away on this entry. . .

I tell you, you just make one snide comment these days and you never hear the end of it.

If you’ll recall I tried to give all of you a helpful tip at the end of an entry a few days back by advising you not to beg someone to analyze your online picture, as this is an indication that you are uncomfortable with the way you look and need someone to praise you. This caused a great backlash among you readers, I assume primarily from those of you who normally ask the aforementioned question that I said not to. Some of you even *GASP* accused me of practicing in the same methods that I advised you not to, in the form of Blog Hot or Not.

Of course, all of these people have a point. I mean, what exactly is wrong with asking someone if they find you cute? In general nothing is inherently WRONG with it, I was just making a general comment that desperate internet girls who IM me often ask me to comment on their picture, and if I refuse to, they are offended or hurt. Generally, it is a bad relationship practice to ask such questions because you’re essentially begging for a compliment, and if whoever wanted to give you a compliment they’d do so without you having to ask.

However, since I seem to have hit a sensitive spot with my original statement, lets delve a little further into the issue. The argument seems to be that some girls just want to know if they are attractive, and that there is certainly nothing wrong with this. I ask you though, what usefulness does knowing how attractive you are give to you?

Ok, lets assume for a moment that Person A asks someone “Hey, how about that picture, what do you think?” and they respond with “You’re the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen.” This is an unlikely and uncommon response, but stay with me here. Now, lets assume Person B asks the same question and is met with a “WOW, you’re beautiful!” response. A much more common response, although not necessarily a trustworthy one. So, Person A has been told they are hideous while Person B has been told they are beautiful. However, again I ask you, what usefulness does this information have?

Generally what follows is Person A will adopt a personality of someone who believes themselves to be ugly, develop a low self-esteem, and as a whole, feel lousy much of the time, and if not lousy, at the very least ugly. Since, now, they believe themselves to be ugly, they will unconsciously make themselves ugly. The exact opposite happens with Person B, who quite likely elicits an occasionally “Wow, she’s so stuck up” ramble from her friends, because of the higher self-esteem shes given herself.

Now, this is certainly an extreme example, and our opinions of ourselves are normally based on a plethora of responses to our looks instead of just one, but the general point remains. Ugly people (or at least people who think they are ugly) naturally tend to act in ways that make them ugly, unconsciously verifying their own beliefs. The exact opposite happens with people who believe themselves to be attractive.

However, realistically, there is no reason for Person A to act differently than Person B in social situations. Unfortunately, this is not what happens, Person A thinks they are ugly so they act the way that they think an ugly person would act, quite often like a nervous, stuttering buffoon. This is an unfortunate occurrence, an occurrence I hate to see, and is really what I had in mind when I made my original comment.

So, basically, instead of obsessively going online and asking someone, Hey, do you think Im cute? a better strategy would be to just assume that you are the most attractive person on earth and act accordingly. There is no danger in this action, and, yet, so many people think it is ridiculous. Let me assure you, it is not how you look that is the most important aspect of dating, relationships, or any other aspect of life, but rather, how you think you look and how important you believe yourself to be (two things that seem to go hand in hand in most minds when they obviously shouldnt).

Ill end the diary with one last example. I often find diaries on here where I read the stories of people going into deep depression after breaking-up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Now, dont get me wrong, after deciding to no longer be around someone who you have a deep emotional bond with, it is natural to experience a mild depression over what has been lost, but this is not what I am speaking of. I am speaking of the suicidal thoughts that some people have months after a relationship has ended. These thoughts develop because one person was measuring their entire self-worth based on the other. This is an extremely dangerous practice, and one that is the most common cause of the tragedy that is teenage suicide. You should never measure your self-worth based on what your boyfriend/girlfriend or the general population thinks of you, but rather on who you are and what you do. Other peoples opinions should not matter, as their opinions are most likely founded in the persona you have created for yourself anyway, and not the real you. Instead of focusing on their opinions, strive to be the best possible person that you can be, and know that it is not what someone thinks of you that defines who you are, but, rather, the way that you handle these people and interact with them. Stand tall and be proud diary readers, no matter how others perceive you, for you shall inherit the earth.

Out of all your entries Ive read so far, this has actually been an enlightening one. And I actually agree with a lot of what you said. Congrats! ~Smooches~

as this is ur diary you are entitled to any moronic opinion your kitchen-psychology has led you to believe is true. i generally agree w/ your main statement, but ur narrow outlook on life worries me. “the real me” varies cross cultures (yes,even in the US). the environment builds our view, also about ourselves. the opinions of others due and should matter, but they can also be manipulated. –katie

so u think i’m ugly? i’m so hurt! i have no reason to live now! i can’t breathe! i need my puffer! but seriously i def agree w/ ur last comment. i know so many people that depend on other people to make them happy so when there is even a slight let down they blow this out of proportion b/c they rely on others to much. only u can make urself happy…

cheezit

May 22, 2004

i’m not trying to say that if u have depression then ur just not trying to be happy b/c that’s not the case at all but people need to rely more on themselves. briz

cheezit

May 22, 2004

sorry this is my third note but i just read the note above me and i she’s very mistaken. other people’s opinions about us should not matter in the least. why should u care what other people think if ur happy w/ urself? briz

clinically dorky

May 22, 2004

Couldnt have been better said!

in refrence to WoaS other people’s opinios should matter and here’s why: social control. we wouldn’t want a child molester to be happy, would we? healthy self-esteem should not entirely be based on the opinions of others, but we must recognize that it is the greatest influencing factor. approval of others is vital in the development of the phyche. –katie

so who is the worst president of all time then? who other has made virtually the entire world hate the US? who other has brought a solid surplus to the worst debt in history? who other president has kneeled before large corporations to the extent bush has? who else has systematically lied and misled the public to the same extent? good luck finding one. –katie

For those of you confused about some of the notes, basically, my friend Katie and I have engaged in debate on issues and are apparently using the note section of my diary as the battleground. A child molester is not unhappy because of social control. There are laws against child molestation that help prevent it for a reason. Andrew Jackson, in my opinion, is the worst President in U.S. history

Although often we may depend on what others say that help lead to our ultimate outlook on how we feel about ourseleves it really depends on what we ourselves think. the best advice you can recieve is from yourself. “No one can make you feel inferior without you consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

Is the greatest influencing factor really others? Others cannot decide for us how we feel, althoguh they may affect greatly they do not make the choice for us. And as for treating child molesters differently…well treating people differently never made the best impact. The way we treat or view people should not be based solely upon how they act..Even enemies should show respect. -just a thought

jackson was a rasist in the 18 hundreds, bush is a rasist now. explain your thinking, i cant see anyone betray the american public in the manner bush has.

since i cannot answer your arguments in 400 characters i have written an entry about this topic in my blog. you can find it at talktowaterbottle.blogspot.com –katie

Seems ive hit some really popular diary seeing all the notes here. anyways just thought id put my two sense worth in…or really to make it easier on myself just say i agree with aj on this one.

i agree with you about the picture thing. if someone wanted to give you a compliment they would. and if they did, they probably really mean it. if you ask them, then its more forced, so they just say something to make you happy. it’s not so real then.

I don’t see how anyone can disagree with such a well-worded opinion. Especially since I agree with it one hundred percent. You posed some interesting viewpoints that I’d never considered before. Thanks for the brain stimulation.

Amen! I put pictures of myself up online because I think I’m pretty, and I want others to know the face behind the words. But I’ll see people post entries saying stuff like, “OMG i am so fat and so ugly, here, look at these twelve dozen pictures and tell me how ugly I am,” and that seriously pisses me off, because you just KNOW they’re wanting people to say, “Oh, no! You’re perfectly gorgeous!”

A little story: one girl here on OD had posted a picture of herself online. She was moaning about how fat she was and how she was going to throw up all of her food and all of that popular garbage. So the picture is not THAT bad. She’s, of course, not fat at all. But she does have horrendously big, floppy ears. So I told her, “Oh, honey, you don’t need to worry about being fat, you need to worry

about those big honkin’ ears!” She deleted the note. I guess she didn’t REALLY want to hear about how ugly she was. Huh. Anyway, the point of this very long (sorry) story was to say that I wouldn’t have said ANYTHING about it if she hadn’t been so obviously fishing for compliments. Pfft. Okay. Done now. Seriously.

I agree with you. I also think one should be toatly honest when asked something like that, because the person asking should realize the risk in that they may get an answer they don’t like. I agree however that the more confidence a person has the less likely they are to ask and those with extreme confidence doesn’t care what the other thinks. A case of either you like me for who I am or forget it:

i know im way off topic here, but didn’t you say ur real name is matt? or am i just confused. btw, i disagree w/ most here, since its good to get compliments on-line if you cant get them from anywhere else. and thats what ppl do irl anyway. some ppl have really sucky lives, and need human contact and complements. not everyone is as well off as you ppl. daisi

well, i seem to be the dissident in the group, since i dont think your argument was perfect. never-the-less, you did stir up conversation, which is good. if people had a thought as a result of your entry that’s also positive. i must admit your very polite remarks angered me because it destroyed my possibility tobe mean to people.some go with the flow too much.what will you come up with next–katie

whoa! look, a bandwagon *jumps* hey, sorry. just saw all these millions of notes and felt left out. i really have nothing to contribute to this debate/discussion/fiasco thing thats going on so i’ll leave now peace x

verde

May 25, 2004

here here. i am so down with this