Homophobic?
I like to consider myself an open-minded person.
And, though, I consider myself to be about as heterosexual as they come, I still very much support gay rights (for example, gay marriage) and it doesn’t bother me on any sort of personal level what mates other people choose to have. And I definitely don’t think we have much conscious choice in who we feel physical attraction towards and if it happens to be someone of the same gender as you, then I say go for it.
I also don’t mean to imply the dreaded “I don’t care what they do as long as they stay away from me” stuff that I hear all the time, because that’s still extremely bigoted and not how I feel at all. I, admittedly, have very limited interactions with people who are openly homosexual (which isn’t surprising given where I live), but when I have had interactions I’ve never found myself bothered at all, including when the people were males.
I also have a couple of diaries on my favorites list and am noted by people who are openly gay or bisexual and I actually take a special interest in reading the diaries, as in some ways the concept of homosexuality is very foreign to me, both on a personal level and simply a familiarity level.
So, I’ve now gone through great lengths to explain that homosexuality is something that has never bothered me, ever, in any way and if anything it’s something that just interests me. I don’t think it’s wrong, I don’t think it’s a sin, and I strongly believe that if someone has homosexual attractions they should pursue them and not fight them.
Having said all that, yesterday evening I watched a film entitled Shortbus which contains hardcore sex scenes (though not played in an especially erotic manner), including gay males having oral sex. Now, I’ve never before seen two males have sex before, primarily because it isn’t something that arouses me in a physical way, and, well, it’s not something you’re going to see very often unless you’re overtly looking for it and I’ve never had any reason to. So, as I watched it, I was expectedly startled a little, being as it’s something I haven’t seen before and one doesn’t generally expect to see homosexual male sex, unedited, even in a sexually explicit movie. Still, I tried to watch it with interest, even after being a little taken aback, and told myself that it’s something completely normal that many people do all the time and that, as I was hardly watching the movie for sexual excitement anyway, I should have no objection to watching the scene.
I watched, admittedly more warily than I would have liked, while reiterating the above thoughts in my head when suddenly I had to scamper towards the nearest toilet because I literally had to throw up (something that I can’t recall ever happening in my life, when I wasn’t already physically ill).
I didn’t actually vomit, but that’s sorta beside the point as I definitely was made nauseous by the scene and could not finish watching it because of it. I’m not sure how bothered to be by my reaction to seeing it. On one hand, I can’t take full responsibility for how my stomach instinctually responds to something, but at the same time my stomach is just a part of me and it may be responding to some bigger issues that I have. I really don’t know. I’ve never thought homosexuality was “gross” in any way and I’ve never had anything near nausea when thinking about it, but actually seeing the act performed is, obviously, something I did not respond to well.
For the record, I have seen females have sex with one another before (yes, in porn) and it didn’t bother me one bit and, I’ll admit, I actually found it quite enjoyable. So, my little issues are apparently only evoked through males.
Anyway. Any thoughts? Offended slurs? Similar experiences?
Hmm, sometimes we have innate responses to things – and no matter how much our ‘brain’ thinks about an issue, there are deeper held feelings. Its good to acknowledge that, perhaps on some level, the behaviour ‘sickened’ you. Because that’s real, that’s what happened. But, that doesn’t mean you should change your attitude. I’ve always found this issue interesting – because I came from a famil
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who were both homophobic (my Dad and brother), and racist. I’m neither. Not at all. But just sometimes, my body reacts to things instinctively, I guess its deep down there from upbringing, and I have to confront those feelings/prejudices before I can deal with them. Its actually a good thing to know its there. How’s that for deep?
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Why do men in gay porn films always leave their socks on?
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well i’m completely straight but i completely support gay marriage. i really don’t think you have anything to worry about. i don’t think you’re homophobic or anything. i think the scene just gave you the reaction of how you feel sexually towards other men. (that you’re not attracted to them) this doesn’t mean you a homophobic guy. ok.. i think i’ve rambled enough.. i hope i made some sort of sense
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the way i look at it, it doesn’t affect me. sure, i don’t like to see a gay couple making out on the street, but i also don’t care to see a straight couple making out on the street, either. some things are better kept behind closed doors, no matter what sexuality you claim.
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ryn: odd indeed. oh and about this entry, i wouldn’t worry too much about it. just because it’s not something you disapprove of doesn’t mean that it’s something you approve of for yourself. you may support it for other people, but like you said, you’re as hetero as they come. it’s just that it’s not right for you– that’s why i think you reacted that way.
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was there any gagging going on in the movie? if so, maybe you had a involuntary “phantom wang” reaction?
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lmao…. your like most males…. the sight of male on male action bothers them kinda but when you see 2 women having sex its no big deal or a complete turn on… thats normal
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I think depsite best intentions, we’re so programed with other things we’ve seen as Normal, that it’s just not an image that’s ubiquitous right away. Sure, the girl-on-girl kiss is on network TV more now, but the guy-on-guy still hasn’t really been given an A-OK pass. So even if you ARE OK with it, being around it and accepting it, I can understand that a visual representation of it would be shocking, because mainstream commercials, TV shows, everyday parts of life are so disturbingly free of it still.
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I think that’s a pretty normal, though exagerated response–your unease manifested itself as a physical reaction. For the record, as a straight female, girl-on-girl stuff kind of squicks me out while I enjoy guy-on-guy stuff. I think it’s normal. I think you’re normal.
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And, again, it’s just not what YOU’RE attracted to. It’s debatable how much your attractions are innate or programmed by the aforementioned media sources, but still. I don’t think it’s bad that you responded like that, especially since how you speak about and support homosexuality is a lot more important than whether you’re attracted to it.
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I think the Shortbus was intended to elicit those emotions. I went to some gay bars in Chelsea a while ago and was startled at the scene there, too. I think I had the same reaction during the “ass to ass” scene in “Requiem for a Dream” … but, I guess that was kinda violent…
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Like many other noters have mentioned, the issue is society’s programming of our minds. We’re bread to think of certain things as okay or not okay, attractive or disgusting. While we may strive to have open minds, there’s still that part in our heads that can’t get past what we’re told is wrong or right.
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i think oftentimes that lesbian sex in pornography is just because of money. also think that part of homosexuality stems from a fear of the other sex. i’ve wanted to see shortbus! will have to borrow someone’s car and rent it! 🙂
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I don’t think you’re homophobic for your reaction. Seeing that is just not your thing.
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ryn: I did like Almost Transparent Blue quite a lot, which was the reason I read Miso Soup. After that one I’m not sure I’ll pick up the next one. I read a lot of Stephen King mostly because it was easy to get access to his audiobooks for me and I needed something to listen to! =) I think he’s good at times and bad at times, then again I like his preoccupation with the supernatural!=)
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And now having read this entry: I think it might have been the way you tackled it. Wanting to support the notion that you’re not homophobic you forced yourself to watch. In all things foreign we often need to ease into things… it doesn’t mean your homophobic … more means you’re human… no? =)
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i was just asking because it’s probably my favourite novel ever! :-))))))
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I think it’s interesting how something visual, but not actually happening right in front of you…and not death or murder, could contort your stomach that way. And I think it’s brave of you to express these feelings.
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. . . you changed your password. … the one time i actually wanted to tell you something in a non-im way and you changed your password… 🙁
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It is interesting. How watching male gay porn is not neutral to your feelings but actually negative where as watching female gay porn is still stimulating. I’ve got no issues with gay guys – know lots and they’re all nice guys. If someone is gay it is either a life choice that hardly effects me and is none of my business or it is something more genetic and personal which is like having blue eyes.
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I don’t think it’s homophobic, rather just a matter of exposure. You haven’t ever seen two males have sex before and that combined with the fact you’ve been conditioned both on a personal and cultural level to situations in which sex involves females in some capacity/form or the other – in a very crude sort of way I suppose it’s only ‘natural’ you felt sick. Or you’re a blanket redneck, really.
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ryn: Actually I think that listening to audiobooks is as hard to start as reading. Even though you learn to read as a kid it’s often hard to read at first and it was much the same for me with audiobooks. It took a while to be able to focus on what was being said. Now I can do it quite well while walking, cleaning and doing other tasks that don’t require me to focus on something else, really. It did take a while.
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The first time I saw lesbian porn I felt nauseous. Interesting, no? Maybe it was just my internal homophobia.
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