Goals

I can always tell when my entries start to border on whiny – it correlates directly with the number of private notes I get. At any rate, I’m going try to steer away from that.

I did get lots of notes on the last entry, with most of them telling me that if I’ll just stop “looking” to solve my social problems, then everything will happen when I least expect it to. It is with trepidation that I tell you readers that I think you’ve given me less than the top grade advice that you normally do.

Granted, I understand the idea that you can’t force things like friendship or romance to happen and that they are both something that develop on their own. However, at the same time, I am not going to make many friends sitting at home with Rebecca’s cat in my lap. So, while it may be true that I can’t force particular friendships to develop, I can place myself in situations where they are more likely to. I’ve wasted 4 years of college just “waiting for things to happen” and it hasn’t gotten me very bloody far. I’m still far from a social butterfly, but I’ve made more progress in the time that I’ve been forcing things a little than I ever did when I didn’t actively try at all and just figured things would magically work themselves out and friends would appear from nowhere (the only friend that ever appeared from nowhere was Donna, and, well, we know how popular she is around here).

My new resolution is to focus all of my goals on things that I can control. And I can’t control the way people react towards me, I can only control the way I act around them. For example, instead of my mental goal being “get Robin to like me” it’s going to be “act confidently around Robin,” etc. I know stuff like this sounds good in hypotheticals, but I think reframing your thoughts and visions of success can really be a pretty powerful thing. I think we’re all naturally averse to any failure, so it’s important to define my goals in such a way that I can control them, so I understand when I’m really failing at what I want to accomplish and when circumstances beyond my control are influencing things. And I know this all sounds overly rational and unnecessarily thought-out, but, damn it, I am not going to be the diarist who bitches about how things always turn out horribly for him, but never seems to change his behavior. I’m going to keep working to make my own life better. I’m the one who has the most power to make things different for myself. And I will.

Yours For Now...

January 21, 2008

Yay! And for the record, I never said not to do anything about FRIENDSHIP, hell yeah you have to force those. I like your new game plan, goal wise. : ) ~I’ll be

glasses eater

sounds like a good resolution to me.

michael.

ryn: Well, I have two jobs. And I study a lot. And my parents are actually only an hour away on the train, and I go see my brother lots too. So, I am not too short of stuff to do.

You probably didn’t mean that literally, eh. I am well behind on your diary, I mean, I have read it, I just feel sort of distant from everything. I don’t know mate – it’s like I always thought if I’d gone to school and had parents and stuff the friend crap happens easier, cause those are the main barriers I’ve had, explaining where I came from, and not having any mates my age when younger cause Iwasn’t in school. Though I’m sure you think that’s a crap excuse. And now- I am like several universes away from the other med students, if I talk they just fucking stare. And through my whole life when I’ve tried to love people the damage is just too fucking much. So I don’t know with you. I just realised I don’t know where you … came from, I guess. Did you have mates before uni? At school and that? Where did they go?

SeulementBanana

ryn: Is because of the way I’m completely obsessed with eating as if my life depended on it?

My listyness is rubbing off on you, Matt. Do you remember at the beginning of our friendship when I told you to write a list of things that make you happy? I think you should do that again in addition to all of this. 🙂 “I’m the one who has the most power to make things different for myself.” I agree whole-heartedly. And you are definitely not a whiner. You’re a changer. Remember that.

rynYeah, I did. Within 2 hours I got three separate attempts to find out where I was and private requests to move to various cities and live in various people’s houses from complete strangers who’d never noted me before ever – it kind of freaked me out.

Sleeping on it

Sorry I was away from the internet for the weekend…I hate not noting your entries! I think the way you look at situations has a ton to do with how they turn out but I also 100% get the “wasting your life” feeling. I felt I was a waste till I got into this new relationship. This is the 1st time in 4 or 5 yrs I feel valued, truly valued. Hang in there, it’ll happen. I had lost hope-don’t follow me

mairead

I think people who suggested that maybe meant more, keep being more social, but don’t be so hard on yourself when there are not immediate responses. Especially the immediate responses that you hoped there would be. I totally agree that you have to do something to get something. But there’s no set rule or exchange rate for the outcome of your actions.

Jenni!

You definitely need to set goals for yourself, or nothing will get done. I think it’s good you are being proactive in your life. Maybe you should try some concrete goals, for example, I will do something (extra curricular, bar, or other social scene) at least once during the week, and once on the weekends. Something that can maybe show growth and progress. It might help you achieve you goals.

Kati.Did.

January 22, 2008

RYN: Yep, there really are too many Matts in this world. I have a friend who’s also dating a Matt and we refer to them as “MY Matt”, “Your Matt”, “Our Matts”. I’ve come to the conclusion that I look awful with bangs… not all girls can pull it off and sadly, I’m not one of them.

RYN: Oh, dear friend, you of all people know that it’s more of the fact that only now have I begun to have sexual experiences with men I am not in relationships with. Having grown up with such strict values and beliefs, being in a society where the term “slutty” is thrown around so loosely, I can’t help but feel a little bad about increasing my number regardless of how little it affected me. Also

I’m a bit confused at the moment about any feelings I might have towards Michael. Missie told me I really should give him a chance this time. After thinking about it, why wouldn’t I? The only way for me to tell if there’s something there is by trying. Rather than doing what I usually do, which is assume there’s nothing just like that one time a few years ago and let it be. He sent me a sweet email

with song lyrics that I’m sure he put a lot of thought into before emailing it to me. I wish I could read it to you. If you’re available, you should call me… I have the special cell phone with me today haha. Anyway… ah, I don’t know what to do. I suppose spending some more time with him won’t hurt, right. Right. Anyway, I left Michael a nasty note in return. You should read it lol.

Miss you too.

Sounds good, Matty.

What are you getting ME? I’m getting you a secondhand electric donkey-bottom biter.

Gosh Matt, you have no clue how much I want to write about him! It’s blatantly obvious that I have a crush on him and I can’t let it out! We’ve already exchanged a few emails today.. and ahh!!! I’m dying over here! He never messaged me last night though. 🙁 Maybe tonight. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie tonight… but it’ll have to be something we both have, I think.

of course your life isn’t going to waste, matt. now my life is going to waste, but look at you- you’re getting your graduate degree, meeting girls, living the good life. granted you don’t eat as well as i do, but still…