Date with Calesha

So, Calesha still really likes me a lot.

That much is still certain. I’m still in something of a whirlwind about the rest of it.

I spent six hours with her tonight and took her from her incredibly tiny town to my slightly bigger town. We started off meeting there and getting accustomed to one another a bit “in person” before I took her to the mall (in my slightly bigger town). We basically just drove/walked around for six hours, seeing as she didn’t want to eat (she wasn’t hungry even though she hadn’t eaten all day?!) and there aren’t a lot of entertainment options in our small towns other than movies, and I’m not a fan of movies as dates.

So, anyway, we walked around the mall for a while and I noticed that she was swinging her arm so that it kept making contact with mine, which I quickly read as a sign that she wanted me to hold her hand . . . and so I did. And I’m not debating in my mind whether it was the best decision or the perfect time to do it, etc. It felt right at the moment, and it was fine.

So, holding hands was the first overtly romantic thing that we did and I thought that might be the extent of it as I was actually driving her home for the evening after our stay at the mall, but towards the end of the drive she instructed me to pull over in a little secluded area not far from her house.

As one might guess, this lead to things becoming a bit more romantic. She ended up in my arms for a while and I kept looking at her and she’d squirm and say “What?!” and cover up her face – she told me later after the date, online, that my eyes make her melt. I’ve never really had someone tell me something like that before. This actually went on for over an hour, walking around a bit and holding her in my arms, I admit, it was very nice.

And yeah, we kissed, a couple of times. It was a bit awkward and there wasn’t much to it, but it was the second girl I’ve ever kissed, so probably something worth mentioning in the diary too, eh?

So, after all this, it’s been six hours since we first met up and I am admittedly beginning to wonder if this is going to last all night and start to casually mention that I should take her home, but she didn’t take the bait. Eventually I had to actually pick her up and put her in the car because she kept saying that she wasn’t ready to go yet! Right, that probably sounds weird. What can I say, it was a really weird date. I’m still really processing all of it and I’m exhausted from everything, so sorry if this is spilling out in a really confusing way.

But, ok, the downside of the date: Calesha is still very, very, very into me. More into me than she was before. Similarly, I definitely do still like her (honestly, she is absolutely adorable!), but I am still unsure if I want a committed relationship with her and that she seems so into me scares me away from one a little more. I have told her that I want to take things slow and she does understand that we aren’t “in a relationship” right now. I’ve tried to go out of my way to make sure she doesn’t expect more from this than I am willing to give.

That said, I still definitely really enjoyed myself tonight. And, I don’t know, I’ve never felt so confident in a romantic setting before? This is exactly the person I want to be in that setting. I was romantic at the right times, funny at the right times, serious at the right times.  And, despite my uncertainties about how this relationship is going in the long-term, that’s why I’m feeling really upbeat about how things went tonight.

It’s helped me to realize that, now, for the first time in my life, I am the person I want to be.