Response to a Note

Purging is not good for you. A friend that I had died from doing that for years. You sound more well-rounded person when you were not purging. Now all you do is that, and hiding and lying that go along with that. I worry about you.

^^The above was a note left on my Diary account to the same post I made before this entry.  At first I didn’t know how to handle this statement and I was afraid of addressing it. No, I will not tell you who posted it as I think very highly of her and do not discredit her for her saying what she did on my diary page.  I will however respond to her comment more in depth here because I don’t think she understands just what I am going through.^^
Lets break this down statement by statement.  Yes, I am VERY WELL aware that purging is NOT good for me.  I have known that from age 8.  Yet here i am at age 30 and purging ONCE a day, if that.  I am also aware you can die from it.  In fact, surprise to most people, I wish I WOULD die from it.  I have suffered from an eating disorder since 2003.  10 years and counting.  I want you to know I did not wake up one day and decide to throw up dinner.  In fact I woke up one morning and was told i was too fat and handed diet pills by my then fiance.  I weighed in at 115 lbs at the time.  This was in January of 2003.  I cannot begin to describe to you how badly those words hurt.  I thought I looked fabulous, but the wording my then fiance used on me hurt to the very core of me.  I might also mention he was not my fiance then, he would become a fiance after I dropped to 77  lbs in January of 2004.  Then, and only THEN, did he propose.  Since then those words have echoed in my heart and mind and have and will forever change my thinking about my own weight and my own space that I contribute to the world i live in.
I sounded like a more well rounded person when i was not purging.  Then you must really not have been reading all that well into my diary.  I lasted about a year without purging, but I was binge-ing.  Hardcore.  The eating disorder never left me the year I did not purge.  It was always there and I always thought about it.  It did not change my thinking, so I would like to reply to this that, no, I was never a well-rounded person even when NOT purging.  I never have been and i never will be.  I have another thought pattern in my mind that controls me.  That is my eating disorder.  Granted, it is no excuse for me NOT to be well-rounded, but again, I am not in recovery for my eating disorder nor will I ever enter recovery again.  So you saying I sounded more well rounded when I was not purging….I’m not buying that.  Plus, another thing, my diary is an outlet for my eating disorder.  I will vent about it, complain, remark however I want, in my diary.  I will discuss anything.  I may not have posted my weight for the time i wasn’t purging, but I still thought those thoughts and i may have even jotted them down in my diary too.  Just because you may have missed some entries where i don’t talk strictly about weight, does not mean I wasn’t thinking about it.
Yes, now all I do is lie and try to find ways of hiding.  Yes, yes I do.  I raise my hand high in the air and say YES!  That is what my life has come to.  I lie because I do not want to disappoint.  I am very ashamed at what i do.  I feel a sense of shame at just being here on planet earth.  I find ways of hiding my disorder because it is disgusting.  It’s awful, is very taboo.  I will hide it.  From everyone and anyone….but not in my diary.  It’s THERE I can write about it and let it out.  No one knows me in real life.  At least not on my diary page.   I’d like to keep it that way.  Yet another anonymous voice with an eating disorder.  That is me.  (This particular person who left this comment is friends with me on facebook.)  Again, no one knows me in real life.  Even my husband doesn’t know me in real life.  I chose to share what i want known.
You worry about me.  I can say one thing to this…don’t.  Please. Don’t.  I don’t need to be worried about.  I thank you for thinking of me, but worrying, no, it takes too much time and effort to be on someone’s worrying list in their brain, so please, do not worry about me.
To the noter that left this note:  I am just going into more depth of what I could say into an entry here because Open Diary only allows so many characters.  So here is an entry for you.  I am not putting you on the spot, no one knows who you are, and I am not doing this to piss you off.  I just want you to understand where I am coming from.  I hope i didn’t make you mad and if I did, I apologize.