Oh the Drama

Today’s weight: 129.2 lbs
I thought my weight would be higher, but surprisingly it wasn’t!
I ate relatively better today.  Wasn’t perfect, but better.  I printed out a whole bunch of my workouts I have pinned to my Pinterest page and am making a binder with all the workouts in there.  I have PLENTY to do (workout with).  I”ll start them tonight while my husband is in his pastoral class online.
I’ve been trying to drink more water these days too.  I haven’t had soda, diet or regular, for about two days now.  Haven’t really noticed any change in me, but I know it will take time.
My mother-in-law went back home after staying with us almost two weeks while I am recovering from surgery on the 2nd of April.  Since I am up and walking in a boot now, she went home seeing as I can care for my husband and I can fend for myself.  Although she really bugs me at times, I really missed seeing her go.  She lives about a half hour away from us right now, but just knowing she was there to help us made me feel at ease.  I cannot say the same about my own Mom.  She’s no where near as considerate as my mother-in-law is.  I practically have to beg her to help me with anything, so I tend not to ask at all.  Granted she was there for me the first week I was out of the hospital.  So I know I should be thankful for that.  But she seriously cares more about helping other people then caring for her own family.
I am hesitant to post this as I am sure to get negative feedback, but my brother is expecting a third child with his 4th wife.  He has had two children previously with wife number 3.  I keep in touch with wife number 3 as she was also my matron of honor in my wedding 6 1/2 years ago and became my good friend the grand two years my brother was married to her for. Wife number 4 help split up the marriage between my brother and his wife number 3.  My brother was married to wife number 3 and cheated on her with wife number 4.  Then married wife number 4. I know I should be happy about this new child but in all reality I am not.  My brother is the one who sexually molested me from the ages of 4 to 14.  I cannot have sexual relations with my husband of 6 1/2 years without thinking of my brother.  At all.  Ever.  Even kissing is hard to do, seeing as my first kiss was my brother’s lips.  So him being able to procreate nauseates me.  Wife number 3 knows about the sexual abuse, wife number4 refuses to believe it happened, or may not even know, as my brother is known to lie an awful lot about everything.  My brother called me up and said he’s doing everything right this time, meaning he is married and having a baby within wedlock.  Apparently his second child didn’t count because he was married then and in his eyes everything should have “seemed right”.  His first son was born out of wedlock and my parents had issues with this.  As I see it, children are not something you can “get right”.  It was like he was condoning his first two kids as mistakes or something.  You don’t go procreating in the thoughts that “oh this child I’m going to have right”.  Do you see what I mean?  This just all disgusts me.  To. No. End.
I have been married for 6 1/2 years to the same man.  First marriage, only marriage.  Granted I didn’t lead the perfect life up to this point, but I take my marriage seriously.  We, at this point in time, cannot have kids, seeing as my husband is a quadriplegic and I am bi-polar and on some heavy duty medicine to combat manic episodes.  We have tried.  I find this hard that my brother can go about his life and not have a worry in his head about the trauma he brought onto mine.  He can go procreating and whatnot and not think twice.  For me, I have to work at everything i do.  My brother, I might mention, is also the favorite child in the family.  My parents are there for him for everything.  Mainly monetary reasons.  They live by me but do everything and provide everything for him.  They paid full for his college.  I had to get loans.  They help pay for his child support.  If he needs a dime, they are there for him.  I have never asked for money, but ONCE in my life, and that was when I needed my Abilify prescription for bi-polar disorder in between shifts in health insurance and it was going to cost me $300 upfront out of pocket.  My parents have offered to give me money, like this last time I had surgery, I never take it.  That’s not how I roll.  My brother bleeds my parents dry.  And they enable him.  My sister-in-law is 6 weeks pregnant.  Well 7, because this is a week later.  My brother planned on telling his sons that his wife number 4 is expecting.  I had issues with this as well.  She was 6 weeks along at the time he told me.  A lot can happen before the second trimester, wait it out a bit.  Just to be safe.  So he’s telling the boys this.  Now what happens if she loses the baby?  You know?  My brother had just found out.  He also texted me all this information and called the next morning to make sure i got the text.  The text basically told me to not tell wife number 3 because he wanted to tell the boys first.  First off, I hardly speak to wife number 3, the occasional   hello facebook message and that’s it.  We are friends on facebook and that is all.  I read her status updates but I don’t chat with her everyday, you know?  Secondly, he couldn’t pick up the phone to call me this, he had to text me this?  Granted he called the next morning, but still.  I didn’t respond to his text message so he called to make sure i got it and to make sure i didn’t tell wife number 3.  Whatever. But anyway.  I’m over it now.  I wasn’t when this happened last week.  The hubby and i got into an argument how I’m supposed to me more open to adoption while he refuses to be more open to us having our own “flesh and blood”.  He is completely against IVF.  I am the product of adoption.  I have strong views on it, my own personal views.  So, there you have it.

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