Milestone(s)

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It’ll be a year purge free on the 11th of October.  While this is a celebration in itself, I still think I should be more recovered then I am then just being purge free.  Granted I gained like 35 lbs since being purge free what with the surgery and whatnot, but the point is, I wish I wasn’t still somewhat restricting, or binging, or exercising.  Granted, I’m not exercising like a fiend, but when I do exercise I put my all in all into it. 

I stood on the scale with one foot today to weigh myself.  This was very difficult as I was holding onto two crutches and holding my foot that was covered with a cast up as well.  It registered at 117.6 lbs then I was in shock because I’m like, no, totally not right, so I hopped on it again and it said 113 lbs.  Um can you say totally wrong???  So my hopes are not up that I weigh less then what I think I do.  I’m in a size 8 comfortably right now.  Before it was breeching on size 10 and in certain clothes already in size 10.  This is petites mind you.  I don’t like how junior clothes fit because my butt crack manages to show all the time even wearing belts in pants.  I wear junior in tops, medium, and then bottoms are always petites.  So I have lost a bit of weight because a couple of weeks ago my size 8 pants were extremely tight on.  Now they aren’t so bad. 

And this also marks the one year mark that I had the emotional affair with another man during this time last year and later on was caught by my husband over the year 5 boudoir pictures that I had done that he showed no interest in whatsoever.  Although I should be happy that we have both overcome this, I still feel an overwhelming amount of shame regarding this aspect.  I have yet to forgive myself and may never.  My husband has forgiven me completely…we even graduated from Christian Couples therapy back in February.  I wallow in shame from this and probably always will. 

With all the milestones coming up, it’s overwhelming.  We will be traveling to St. Louis, Missouri next week.  WITH my mother-in-law, Joan.  She will be taking care of both my husband and I.  This should be interesting.  She’s a hoarder and literally took over our outside deep freezer and our inside fridge and freezer with food that we don’t eat and should not have in the house due to my tendencies.  It’s both a blessing and a curse.  I’m happy she is here but on the other hand she’s driving me mad!  It’s her way on EVERYTHING and she is an expert at absolutely EVERYTHING and acts like she has a PhD in everything related to anything we’re discussing.  It’s driving me insane.  She also smokes.  I’ve told her to stop, especially in the car when we are driving places because it sincerely makes me ill to smell it all, but she doesn’t.  My husband and her fight EVERY morning and I wake up to fighting every single morning.  I mean screaming matches.  It’s baaaad.  And my husband can escape it.  I can’t.  I’m stuck at home.  With her.  All day. 

But anyway.  I do have a lot to be blessed with and for all that I am blessed with I am thankful for.