Distored Thinking **TRIGGERING**
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MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
This whole surgery thing has me really in depth with disordered eating habits and thoughts.
For one thing, I was 123.6 lbs before surgery. Now I was doing okay. Still snacking at night, but doing okay. I’ve seemed to plateau around that weight without having to watch what I eat and restrict or over do exercise (before surgery). Now that the surgery has had me laid up, I’m all over the place. Judging by clothes alone, seeing I cannot weigh due to a cast being on my foot, I’d skeptically say I am 130 lbs. or more. I have gone up in a pants size and they barely fit. So maybe 135 lbs???? My highest weight was 140 lbs, after the surgery of 2010. Then I got down to 94 lbs within a year’s time maybe a year and a half. But that was with purging involved. Since then I have stopped purging and been more or less binging and not exercising leaving me to gain weight from 94 lbs to 123.6 lbs. Now do the calculations from this surgery and I have gone up more.
I found some exercises I can KINDA do with weights for my arms and leg lifts and ab workouts I can kinda do in bed….I can’t get on the floor, I’m like a stuck turtle on his back if I get on the floor, and now my whole day revolves around food. Mainly it gives me comfort. I eat because I’m bored.
Work was my all. I watched 17 – 3 year olds with another teacher but even binged at work due to the stress. It would calm me, food, that is. Now that I have five more weeks of this cast being on and me being on crutches, I am planning my next meal, even if it’s heavy in calories because I make the justifications that it’ll help me heal better. No, it’s making me gain weight like crazy and go nuts.
I just got done with weighted arm workouts, and then later this evening in bed I will do the ab workouts and leg workouts too. But now U have the thought that if I eat, even healthily, I will gain weight and this will be for nothing. It’s all black or white with me. If I eat, then I might as well eat everything! If I refuse to eat, then I refuse to eat. But allowing one mouthful of food to pass my lips, I’m justifying eating everything then because well, one mouthful, I can’t just stop there.
This is driving me nuts. I know it’s all wrong, I know I can’t get back into this, but I say, well, okay, I’m not PURGING, so it’s okay. Why can’t I get to a happy medium and eat what I consider healthy and stop there….why must I go further and eat everything in sight?