Christmas, calories, and disappointment…*Pics*
Today’s weight: 114.7 lbs
I didn’t really gain anything, weight wise, from Christmas except a pound which I lost about two days later.
Christmas was less dramatic then I thought it would be. I hosted Christmas Day Dinner. I cooked a 8.5 lbs Standing Rib Roast, made a simple salad, thawed a pie, made a warm punch, made Cake Batter Fudge and chocolate covered pretzels. I made one plate of appetizers as well. My Mom, Dad, Aunt, and two good friends from church came and brought other things to eat, too
My Mom didn’t say much about weight except two things and then an even bigger mess of a conversation when we opened presents. She sarcastically was discussing the caloric content of the sweet potato casserole our friend’s brought and knew I was within ear shot and said, “Well you know there’s absolutely NO calories in that now don’t you?!?!” I ignored it. Then in some other discussion she brought up how she read on the internet that the main stars in the Les Miserables in movie theaters now went on a starvation diet to widdle themselves down to look skinner then they already were. I commented with, “Oh a starvation diet, hmmm. That’s not good.” With which she replied, “it’ll make it look true to form when they are acting.”
Now both comments wouldn’t mean much to normal ordinary person with food, but to me, an active bulimic, and with a mother that knows that I struggle with weight and calories and food, those type of conversations should be had without me or far far away from me. They trigger me and they end up making me mad. Especially at my Mom who always talks weight and whatnot around me fully knowing I was, now am again, a bulimic.
Dinner went well. The roast came out nice. I was pleased. Hardly any stress, yet. We had dinner, and because I filled up with appetizers, and home made punch and a glass of wine, I took far too much food on my plate thinking I was hungrier then I was. I ended up eating little less then half my food. My mom gave herself children size portions of everything, took three bites of each thing and made sure to leave her plate full. I left my plate full because I was literally eating until I felt sick. My Mom didn’t eat anything and knew that and decided to let everyone know how “stuffed” she was. My Aunt turned to me and said, “Sometimes our eyes are bigger then our stomachs.” (She was referring to my plate) I don’t know why that comment bothered me, but it did. I promptly left and collected plates and headed off to do dishes.
After dishes were washed, food put away, and desert out for later, we sat down and opened gifts. The first gift I opened happened to be a pair of pants, jean pants, from my Mom, Dad, and Aunt. It was the same ones I bought when I was with them at the department store two months ago. T he size was the same size I was two months ago, petite 8. I am now a petite 2/4. I obviously was ogling the size when my mom asked about it. I told her I’m in different sizes now. She asked how. I didn’t respond. She asked what size. I didn’t respond. She asked if she could exchange them for the size I’m in now. I didn’t respond. I looked up and smiled. First, I wondered how she DIDN’T know I was losing weight again? Second I smiled because she didn’t know. Nor does my husband. No one has come out and said that I look thinner. Either I’m covering it up well or people fear for their lives if they say something to me or I still look the same as what I did at 131 lbs (gasp).
I got a phone call the next day from my Mom. She asked again how I was losing weight. I replied that I was watching what I was eating…..technically is true, when you vomit it out again, you ARE watching it…right? I just didn’t tell her HOW I was losing weight. She went on and made a few more comments, and I tuned her out.
The only one who has told me I lost weight was my co-worker, Diana. She’s my height, 4 foot 11 inches and weighs in at 112 lbs. She’s an Indonesian and very petite. She knew I lost weight the day I came back from being off work due to my ankle surgery. But so far she is the ONLY one who has vocalized my weight loss.
When I started losing weight this time around I was at 131 lbs back in the middle part of October 2012. I have since lost all that weight and continue to do so.
I went a whole year with out purging. Granted I binged but I didn’t purge. That was from October 2011 to October 2012. I know I can do it again, but the fact is I gain weight if I’m not purging everything I eat. I see the result is weight loss when I purge. I know there’s more to it about WHY I do it as well, of which I don’t really know.
I know I suffer a lot from guilt and shame, both from childhood and from my past. I live with both emotions everyday. I know this plays into my eating disorder greatly.
And yes, I purged everything I ate Christmas Day dinner, after everyone left, and that “somehow” made all my Mom’s comments leave my brain.
Christmas Day Dinner table is set
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Me, Christmas Day