Beyond Frustrated
Today’s weight: 111.2 lbs.
I got down to 107.something pounds last week. I had gotten some stomach bug from work and went home sick for a day and a half. I lost all the weight but also became really dehydrated. So I’ve obviously been feeling better seeing my weight increase again.
So I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday of this past week. We are starting a new medicine called Saphris. I will stop taking the Seroquel and the Abilify and just replace it with Saphris. This is to help my manic episodes decrease. It’s doing good. I started it on Wednesday night and already I see some changes although full changes won’t happen until about two to three weeks or so the psychiatrist says. I have the most vivid dreams on this medicine though and I can totally remember every detail about them. It’s weird. Saphris is also a sublingual tablet that dissolves under the tongue. It numbs my mouth for about a 30 to 45 minutes and by then I am sleeping. I might mention it tastes horrible so I’m hoping the good effects of the pill outweigh the bad taste it gives me because it is horrible.
I’m frustrated this week, beyond frustrated actually, that I’m still at the same weight I was at the beginning of this month. I keep losing and gaining it all back. It’s very frustrating. I was 113 lbs. when I had my birthday on the 7th of January and I’m not at that weight right now, but I’m close to it.
My husband said he is neither concerned nor alarmed at my weight loss. Last night I told him in some conversation I was not thin enough and he replied with, “enough”? Meaning he doesn’t understand that I want to lose more weight. I have a goal weight, 90 lbs., in my mind. Logically I know this is not going to be the end all weight loss goal. I will go lower, but right now that’s my goal weight.
My husband’s sister, my sister-in-law, is on her marriage number four and already in a divorced state. She has four kids with three different fathers and I fund out yesterday that one of my nieces is in the mental ward for cutting and having depressive thoughts. She’s been there a week. She was the flower girl in my wedding 6 years ago. And now she is in the mental ward. This alarms me because when I was her age, I too, was put into the psych ward by my parents. That’s when they discovered I was bi-polar. I know how scary this is and I wish I could say something to my sister-in-law to help her out but it is not my place to say anything. This is the same sister that has vocalized body image issues and has passed down her body issues on her girls as a well. She is also bulimic. She was the one that saw me before my wedding at 90 or so pounds and told my husband I should be in residential treatment because I was at such a low weight when she herself was extremely thin too. My husband and her had some choice words and she was saying how my wedding should be put on hold while I got better. I obviously headed none of this and went ahead with the wedding weighing in at 85 or so lbs. She completely disagreed with it all. But we continued with the wedding.
Yes, I wish I, too, could have children, but at this time in life I know logically it is not a great time. I’m completely in too deep with my eating disorder and I would ultimately like to raise a child without any of my eating disorder habits involved including if I have a boy. I do not wish this hell on my children. But it is not the time and it is not the right area in my mind to be raising children when I am actively involved in eating disorder behaviors.