And the Truth Erupts!
Today’s weigh in: 110.9 lbs
So I’m closer to my 109 lbs and will be soon here.
Well here comes the truth. My husband knows. All of it. He has known for some time, not to the extent of how LONG I’ve been actively involved in the disorder, this time around, since after October 2012. He asked how I was feeling today during our usual Facebook Messenger chat at lunch time and I told him that I’m having issues with life and then I elaborated a bit more. I told him I am actively engaging in eating disorder behavior, refrained from telling him how long I’ve been at it. He said he noticed my creative sneaky ways again. For example, I will not purge anywhere near a room he is close by too, one for sound reasons, and two he won’t know i"m doing it. Or so I thought. He knew I was up to it on Tuesday night however when I wouldn’t "read my kindle" anywhere near the room he occupied. Then he heard the toilet flush when he entered the shower….how he heard that, I don’t know, seeing the toilet I flushed was the guest bathroom one and in the other side of the house. So he knows. He didn’t comment on the weight loss though. I don’t know if he doesn’t see it yet, or he is refraining from saying something in order not to trigger me.
So I ate quite a bit f food today. I had my three small itty bitty cups of cereal with the 4 year olds in class, then i had a plate of nachos and then I had my lunch. I gorged myself all before 3:00 PM. So when I was talking with my husband, I told him I would not be eating tonight, and so far I haven’t touched anything. Or made myself anything. ANd he is sitting right across from me eating and playing a computer video game. I don’t know what to change, I don’t think anything needs to change. I haven’t told him I am not entering recovery yet. Don’t know how to breech that subject with him.
I felt safer telling him all this via Facebook Messenger when i was at work and he was at work on his lunch break. I couldn’t tell him all this to his face and i don’t know why, maybe because this is easier. I don;t have to see the look of disappointment or disgust on his face, perhaps? I don’t know. I just think this is safer somehow. He said he was going to discuss this with me further when I got home but so far he hasn’t brought any of it up. So maybe he won’t bring it up. Maybe he’s waiting for me to bring it up, who knows. Maybe i’ll just go to the clubhouse work out room and work out there for the next two hours. I don’t know.
I’m scared he now knows and I’m terrified he’s going to try and stop me. All my control is going out the window. I already don’t have control over binging and purging, but now he’s gonna want to try and fix me. I am not broken, I don’t need fixing. In all honesty.
I just don’t know what to do. I passed my challenge last night of not opening up a bag of Doritoz and gorging myself on them. But i have no idea how I’m going to hide anything now.
And this TERRIFIES me.