sometimes when I don’t write.

…it’s because I have nothing to say.

How many times can I say that my husband’s lack of employment (and this new “fake job”) is an utter disaster?

How many times can I say how overwhelmed and sick I feel?

How many times can I say how I don’t know which end is up anymore?

I can’t.

It gets redundant.

What I can say is that I got my new schedule for my next set of PhD classes.  Four classes.  FOUR.  I read the syllabus for each class and died a little inside.

I don’t mean that – you must understand.  I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS.  Who am I?  I’m smart.  This isn’t self deprecation.  This isn’t me saying “I can’t do this because I really want everyone to say that I can”.  This isn’t some cry to under promise and over deliver.

I have never seen material so difficult.

Har har har, well it’s a PhD, you moron, what did you think you were doing, TV/VCR repair?

I KNOW.  At least, I thought I knew.  (Wouldn’t it be funny if there was still TV/VCR repair?  I’m so old because I remember that shit on TV. Okay, that was random)

I thought I knew. I am smart! I can maybe do this. I  am borrowing a ton of money to do this.

I think I might fail.  This is why I won’t tell anyone.  I won’t say it out loud.  I am going to fail; I think I know it and if I don’t tell anyone then no one will know that I washed out after 2 semesters of my PhD program.  It will be a secret.  I still have a master’s, I’m still smart.

Meanwhile, I am three weeks away from facing my own sibling in court for her brutal attack on me.  I am dealing weekly with paperwork related to the various court cases.  My family is shattered.  My life is shattered; I don’t even know where we are going to live. I don’t know what is going to happen with my husband’s job.  Or mine. Or anything.  Why, WHY is life so disjointed right now?  Where is the meaning in that?

Please, God, I  need to find stability and meaning in things.  I need things to quiet down.  I need to have faith that I can do this PhD work. I need my husband to have his good, stable employment.  I need things to settle down.