On Tony.

There are people who are trash and sometimes that will never change.

For someone who is at times forced to believe that change is possible, I must also accept that some things will not change.

How does one live with a truth that will not change?

How does one arrive at the decision that something will not change?

I have been thinking about Anthony Bourdain; a man I truly liked even if I didn’t always care for his show.  I liked him.  That celebrity chef who cast aside all trapping of celebrity chef-dom.  I loved how he sat with women chefs (horribly underrepresented in that career) or chefs of color (also underrepresented) and talked to them.  Tried to understand their point of view, their experience.  He spoke openly of his flaws and demons, something I deeply respect and admire.

But within those demons, he made himself believe that nothing will change.  That his life was not worth living – at its core, because he believed his live was unlivable and that was a permanent condition.

Is it true that everything changes, that nothing stays the same?

No.  That is not true.  It is impossible for anything in life to stay precisely the same.  When one looks at life from five years ago, ten years ago, even a year ago – nothing is exactly as it was.

So many flocked back to this space and found a different version of themselves contained in the thoughts preserved here.  See?  Things changed.

The thinking that tells us that everything is doomed and nothing can ever change is flawed.

Yet.

I look to relationships; I look to bad relationships.  Someone will say “My relationship has been bad for [insert number of years].”  Few argue that the relationship was all bad for the entire time.  But they will characterize the relationship as bad for a significant period of time.

Even if we acknowledge that perception is reality, somehow, I think there is something else tapped in to those statements.

Someone feels that a relationship is “bad” for a significant period of time for a reason.  I think the reasons are likely repeated transgressions or common problems that persist for years, perhaps decades.  I think that contributes to two feelings; one, that a relationship is “bad”, and two, that things cannot change.  Even if incremental things change (because we must agree, no person can stay precisely the same over any period of time),  the larger-than-life issues that persist…well, they persist.

Someone who is an addict five years ago is still an addict, and that addiction permeates the relationship for a long time.  “Nothing” has changed.

Someone who is an adulterer is still cheating, and that infidelity has permeated the relationship for a long time.  “Nothing” has changed.

Of course, things have changed.  If there are children, they have gotten older.  Houses, cars, jobs, weight gain or weight loss…so much has changed over time but those are not noticed.

Maybe instead of thinking that a relationship is “bad” or as I’ve heard so many people talk about their marriages (ie, “That marriage had been dead for years”)…maybe we should note with more specificity what it is about those relationships are bad.

Can we acknowledge that change happens, but it is not the change we want?  If you are waiting for an alcoholic to stop drinking, and you have been waiting for years – even if other things have changed – does it matter?  It’s not accurate to say “nothing”  has changed, what is more accurate is that “Things have changed but what I really wanted to change – for that person to stop drinking – hasn’t changed.”

And how does one come to accept that?

Did Anthony Bourdain accept that whatever demons haunted him would not change?  Whether it was true or not?  Is that what led him to end his life?

Maybe it is the absolutist thinking that drives people to suicide.  Maybe it’s the idea of thinking “My life is shit, nothing will change”.  Logically, no one’s life can be 100% bad 100% of the time, it’s not possible.  But for those struggling with depression, I know it looks that way.  One cannot reason out of depression.

I don’t know what led Anthony Bourdain to end his life.  I know he is missed and will be missed.  His unique voice, his quiet way of illuminating social justice issues, were important to this world and now that is gone.  I wish he could have seen that. I wish he could have tried to live one more day.

For me, I understand with more clarity than ever what that type of thinking can do to a person.  After the events of this weekend between my  husband and I, I can see this more clearly.  I choose to focus on the things that I can control and can change and things that are better, in spite of who I live with.  Maybe who I live with will not be forever.  If there is a “maybe”, there is hope.