On quitting.

Sometimes I forget about this place.

Isn’t that sad?  It’s like, it’s been gone so long and it became so NOT a part of daily life that I sometimes forget it really exists.

A couple of weeks ago, I went on another PhD colloquium for a few days.  I wish I could say getting away from my family was restful, but it definitely was not.  I had way too much on my mind and, let’s face it, my husband is terrible at keeping the house in order while I’m away.  Oh, and the airline misrouted my bag for my flight home, fuck you very much.

It was odd while I was there.  Four days of talking about PhD stuff.  Sitting in front of professors and talking about my dissertation ideas and going through coursework and so much else.  At the end of the four days, everyone was asked what they got out of the experience.  And people answered, all kinds of positive answers.  Things like, “I finalized my PhD ideas” and “I met some great people” and so on.

I didn’t answer.  I didn’t offer a thing.

Because what I realized during those four days was, I don’t think I want my PhD.

I listened to one of the professors (a PhD himself) who talked on and on about how great a PhD was, because you could do research.  I knew a PhD degree was about research and I like research.  I wasn’t an idiot when I started the program.

But he went on and on.  About how to do MORE research.  And how to PRESENT your research.  And then do MORE research.  Because that’s how you will be successful as a PhD.  Do a lot of research, and do more, and then some more.

I found myself thinking:  Right.  Okay.  But THEN WHAT?  At what point do you – I don’t mean this literally – but at what point do you change the world?  At what point do you do something?  At what point do you use your research, or apply it, or who the fuck knows what?

But that wasn’t what I was hearing.  Research.  You are not here to solve problems.  You are here to research problems.  Solving problems is a clinical mindset.  Researching and understanding problems is a PhD mindset.  You will research problems, and understand them.  You will become an expert at very small things.  You will become an expert at the things you research, and they must be specific.  “The experiences of unsheltered pitbulls in New York City’s 3 poorest neighborhoods.”  Do you know everything there is to know about pitbulls, or pitbulls without homes?  Nope.  You only know about unsheltered pitbulls. In all of New York City?  Nope.  Just in the 3 poorest neighborhoods.  If you want to know more about something, you’d better research it.  You will know all there is to know about a sliver of something.

Wait.  I want to get a PhD to research and then solve problems.

Well, that’s not how it works.

So I came home, and the day after I came home, I had a serious discussion with my husband and then summarily took a leave of absence from my program.  I didn’t quit (yet) but I think I am going to.  And it’s going to fuck up my financial aid and I already know it.  I’m going to owe my school money and my only idea is to return and do another semester to pay off that balance and THEN quit.

But I think I’m quitting.

Not because I couldn’t handle it (although truthfully, I kind of couldn’t….)

but because I don’t honestly think it’s what I want.  I don’t want to research and research and research and research. I want to research, and then solve problems. I don’t want to be an expert on one.little.thing.  I want to know many things.  I want to run a nonprofit, or start a program.  Change something.  I think I thought the PhD would help with that but now I think the PhD will not.  It’s a research degree, and I don’t want to sit and do research forever and ever.

Meanwhile, my husband is back to work and we never see him.  And this is not a bad thing.

But we are moving, and that is a bad thing.  And that’s a long story that I don’t feel like getting into because really, what is happening today is that we are saying goodbye to our most problematic dog.  Because we can only have one dog in the rental house we found and because she pisses and shits on every floor in this house.  We have dealt with the latter for almost 3 years but the former is a new one and it’s the reason she’s leaving.  And I have to take her.  Not to a shelter, thank God, but to a rescue who is going to help her.  It’s a rescue I know.

I have to bring her because my asshole husband is too much of a fucking child to do grownup things.  And he’s not here anyway.  So that makes it easy.  I get to be the grownup and run the house.  And mostly, I can ignore him.  Which isn’t a bad thing.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and about all I can say is that I got laid last night.  Hooray.

Today I get to give my dog to a rescue.  Hooray.  I am sick about it.  I know how some people feel about this.  It’s overwhelming.  YES I KNOW ANIMALS ARE PART OF MY FAMILY TOO.  THIS IS LIKE SAYING GOODBYE TO A FAMILY MEMBER.  I AM NOT DEFENDING THIS.  I am simply saying we have to do it.  We can’t have her ruining every carpet in a rental home and NO DON’T SUGGEST ANYTHING TO ME TO TRY BECAUSE I’VE ALREADY TRIED IT.  We tried everything to help her to be housebroken.  She was a puppy mill dog and we got her long after her 1st birthday.  That already made it more difficult and of course the shelter couldn’t tell us that wasn’t housebroken.  Every book I could find, and smelly stuff to incentivize it, and pee pads and diapers and little patches of grass in the house, and crating, and sectioning off the house and praising her when she went outside and taking her out on a schedule and JFC, insert-thing-here, we tried and it didn’t work.  In the meantime, I just replaced $1000 worth of carpet, and then another $700 worth,  and am about to replace probably another $800 and there is more to do, but the Rug Doctor will have to deal with that.

I got to look my older children in the face and tell them to say goodbye to one of our dogs and it was a barrel of laughs, let me tell you. I was so grateful I didn’t have to do that alone though….oh wait, I did.

He’s good for a paycheck.  I don’t have to work if he does.  The kids love him. He watched Supergirl with my oldest son yesterday.

So in a few hours, I say goodbye to one of our dogs and then life continues.