On loneliness.

I still feel awful about Sarah.

My husband has done two weeks of his nightmare commute.  He is absent. I am unsupported.  My children miss him.  He doesn’t seem to even try to be present for the little time he IS here.  It makes me sick.  Just leave then.

Why is cheating wrong?  JFC, I just want to get laid and the only person I can legally have sex with is so disinterested, it’s awful.  This isn’t “new job related” this is “this has been going on for close to a decade” related.

I’m just rambling.

There’s so much to do.  That fucker is useless to get any of it done.  Like Sarah, like so many things, I just have to do them because who else will?  If I wait forever for him to do it, then it will only make things worse for me and for the kids.

Oh but go get brakes on YOUR car, meanwhile mine’s needed an oil change and now an inspection.  Sure, but you had to hurry up and get your fucking tow hitch put on your stupid SUV before you went back to work.  Asshole with  his priorities and (almost) none of them are me or this family.

And so it goes.  Legal shit with my own sibling, caring for kids and house, trying to work on moving, opening our camp, taking care of animals, all while unsupported, feeling guilty, and just generally unwell.

I look at the whole bottle of those pills on the kitchen sink and I think, Motherfucker, I’d take the whole bottle and leave you a note that says “I got tired of waiting and being used…good luck.”  

I wouldn’t though.

My kids would be a disaster.