On how it is unbearable.

This is such a dark time.

Unemployment is sickening; awful; unmanageable.  Without sufficient financial resources….I can hardly breathe.

My aunt died last year and left a full prescription of Lorazapam.

Thank you, Auntie.

There is just no end in sight.  Husband found a job.  That should be cause for celebration except it’s not.  The salary is half-crap, the benefits cost almost as much as my mortgage (not an exaggeration – and one plan costs MORE than my mortgage), and the environment is…unprofessional?  I don’t know.  How does one describe a boss who used the “f” word three times in the first five minutes of an interview?  How does one describe a small group of coworkers (including the boss) who refers to chinese food as “chink” food and then said, “No worries, we’ll just go to the chink restaurant and talk about niggers.”

*blink*

*blink*

I’m sorry….WHAT?

How do you describe a job where your new boss says, “I’m not really sure what we are going to do with you.  You can spend the next few weeks just getting settled in and then we’ll decide. ”  Meanwhile, your title is that of a sales rep, something you didn’t want and not actually the job you were hired to do.  But you don’t actually KNOW what you are being hired to do.

How do you describe a company that offered your husband one salary but, in an effort to avoid paying a high fee to the recruiter, deliberately lied to that recruiter – lowballing your salary to him – and then asked you to be complicit?  (My husband wasn’t complicit.  He told the recruiter about this.  The recruiter understood that this boss is a piece of shit and said it was fine.  My husband kept his integrity at least.)

Is this a job?  Sure.  Is it a paycheck?  Yes.  (Hoping the checks clear….)  Is it a career one would expect after being laid off from a Global Fortune 500 company?

Not at all.

It’s sickening.  The whole thing is fucking derailing.  I’m watching it happen like a car accident in slow motion.  So many of the mistakes he’s made in his career are haunting him.  A big company offered him a job – again as a sales guy, something he hasn’t done in 10 years – but the salary was literally more than 10 grand below his last salary.  He turned it down with an offer to revise their offer and they walked.

Wow.  Okay.  Bye then.  Guess you didn’t want him.  That’s encouraging.

Everyone, including me, wants to believe that there is “something” out there that is better, greater, “worth” all of this.  But I’m beginning not to believe it at all.

The two better jobs that he might have a chance at getting all require us to move.  My kids will melt.  My oldest daughter is already sobbing about a possible move.  I have traumatized kids who may not be able to handle the nightmare that moving will cause them.

Will this just get filed in the “I don’t know why this happened”? file?  I have a lot of those.  I’m sick of those.

A month from today, I will sit in a courtroom listening to my own sibling being criminally prosecuted for attacking me and tearing my ACL.  I can’t describe how that will feel.  I have this awful feeling she will be found not guilty, because she is a liar and a manipulator and someone will believe her version that we just “tripped” into each other.

NO.  NO.  She tackled me from behind.  I fell forward.  I didn’t even know it was coming. I  was in pure shock.  When I fell, I couldn’t get up.  My ACL tore at that moment.  My life was altered from that moment.  She ran toward me (I didn’t know that, my husband told me long after the fact).  She followed me outside, because when she said she didn’t want to have a negative discussion in front of the children and wanted to go outside, she actually meant it in the way you see on TV.  “Do we need to take this outside?”  is what she meant.

I didn’t know that.  SHE WAS MY SISTER.  I was never violent toward her.  I am many things but violent is not one of them.

She ran toward me from behind and tackled me, laid on top of me and grabbed at me.  I couldn’t get up from the ground, so I twisted as best I could and grabbed at her nasty sweater and shouted at her to get off of me.

That is the truth.  But will the truth be heard?  Will it be believed?  Will she get out of this crime somehow?

I want to believe in the justice system, but I just don’t right now.  Maybe I will…..maybe I am just in a negative place right now.

Somehow, in some way, I have to climb out of this.  The answer has to be out there.  Please, God, please send it soon.