Why does my wife not want me??
My wife wants nothing to do with me Emotionally or Sexually!!! We have been together for 8 years and married for 5. In the beginning it was completely normal but as the relationship went on it became more and more less frequent. Then the excuses came, our schedules don’t line up, or she’s not in the mood and all the typical ones. I’m not perfect but I consider myself a good husband and have always provided for her and my step daughter.
As time went on and it got worse I have come so numb to the fact my wife doesn’t want intimacy with me my self-esteem is all but none existent now. I am at a lose what to do.
In the recent last year and a half we have both realized our past trauma and issues from those traumas have impacted us in ways we can’t understand without help in the form of counseling and medication.
During this time we discovered my wife has undiagnosed Severe ADHD. She all but has refused any help up until this point. She says she finally wants help but wont fully pull the trigger on seeking it out. She has started seeing a Psychiatrist but will not seek out counseling. Even with the Psychiatrist she is not going consistently and cancels more then she goes.
I have learned thru my own counseling that some one with ADHD it’s almost impossible for them to be follow thru , especially when someone with this diagnosis really doesn’t want to.
I feel like a roommate and an ATM more than I do a husband who is loved and cared for. Her words tell me she loves me and appreciates but her actions are harsh and cold most of the time. Leaving me in a state of confusion and utter disbelief on how someone who is supposed to be my wife cannot empathize and be rational on how all this can make me feel and how much it takes a toll on me. I don’t pressure her for sex or try to make her feel bad on purpose but anytime I do try to talk about it I’m just basically dismissed with words of hate and disappointment. I’m quoted with the word “It’s just how I am and I probably won’t change”.
How does one cope with this heavy heavy situation. I feel unwanted all the time and my overthinking mind continues to got to that “I’m just used to provide and as soon as the timings right she’s gonna be gone”!!
I feel like giving up and stop providing and trying to repair or be a better husband and just being selfish and do and go we’re ever I want. However that’s not who I am. I feel bad just for wanting to go have a beer after work and often made to feel that way just for thinking it.
Anyone else out there in this situation??
I think the first thing to realize that this has nothing to do with you. This will help with your self-esteem. This is her problem, and if she refuses to work with you on fixing it, then you should go your own way.
Warning Comment
Not an expert here, but…I’ve seen (and lived) this too many times.
For whatever reason, there’s no respect from her towards you. She doesn’t want to lose the base needs of what she has (shelter, resources), but it’s also not a reason/excuse if she has ADHD or not. Most times that I’ve seen (and mind you, it doesn’t always follow this pattern), but there’s either an affair going on, or there’s no respect there in the present.
The fact that she won’t engage in marriage counseling is telling, and has issues of its own. There needs to be open, honest discussion between the two of you to get to the root of the issues. I’m willing to bet that she doesn’t think it’s needed, that “everything’s fine”. In the most obvious extremes, it’s most definitely not fine.
With my first two marriages, I did everything above and beyond that I could think of, gone out of my way to do things…with myself an ADD type, while this wasn’t a consistent thing, little things usually end up meaning a lot if the right partner is receptive to it. From my own experiences here, no amount of any gesture is going to turn things around. The both of you have to actively participate, especially when it comes to any efforts to repair and rejuvenate things. Otherwise, it’s for naught.
If she absolutely will not do marriage counseling with you, I’d suggest trying to get her to maybe watch some episodes here and there of a couple on YouTube; the channel name is, “2 Be Better”, and it has everything to do with relationships. They admit their own past mistakes, pass on what they’ve learned, and many people have emailed them with their issues as much as to thank them for showing the path to solve them.
But the bottom line is, IMO, she ABSOLUTELY MUST do this with you, as partners. Individual therapy sessions may help (when she goes), but won’t have much (if any) effect on any and all issues between the two of you, and that fabric probably should be the priority here.
When bringing any or all of this up, my biggest piece of advice is to absolutely NEVER use You Statements, such as, “You never show me affection”, “You always make me feel…”, et al. That’s easily perceived as blaming and a personal attack, and will lead nowhere, if not to make the steep angle even more so.
Otherwise, it might just be that she’s not the right one for you…this is no one’s fault, and we all largely either see red flags that we completely ignore in order to follow the heart, or that we just don’t see the incompatibility of until long after the fact.
I hope that at least some of this makes sense. I’m not advocating for immediate removal of the environment (i.e., splitting up), and if you feel like it’s a marriage absolutely worth saving, then by all means, go for it, fight for it. But it must be, absolutely, a team effort…a half effort without the whole is not optimal.
I wish the best of luck either way. Have a great day.
Warning Comment