That one closet.

So, I have this closet in my house.  It is such a mess of random things. Things I’ll probably never use, things I might  use, things I have no idea what to do with. A collection of things that have no home, and so they all live together is disarray. I open the door with a feeling of purpose.  I want to tackle it! To organize it and find a home for everything! but that feeling quickly turns to defeat, as I feel overwhelmed…..I sigh deeply, and close the door.

There. It’s closed and I don’t have to think about it.

It’s that SAME feeling I get when I try to write.  There was a time when writing came easy. When life was easier and having rose colored glasses on was so much easier. I hadn’t really lived life yet. Back in those early days of Open Diary. I didn’t have so much on my plate back then. I am the same person now and yet, so different. I sure don’t know where to start anymore when it comes to writing. And that’s that messy closet feeling, I just don’t know where to start.

Do I fill in all the blanks of what I’ve been up to since I last wrote? Do I write day to day mundane stuff or do I dig deeply and try to write thoughtful entries in a therapeutic way? What would BE more therapeutic anyways? I can’t tell you how many times before Open Diary kicked the bucket, I tried to get back into it. I’d start by getting a new name, or changing background themes or whatever, but it never really stuck. And then OD died. I tried again at Prosebox. I think I started 3 diaries and wrote a total of 5 entries.  Same result. And now that Open Diary has risen from the ashes, I feel that need to try again. But it’s also coming at a time in my life where I REALLY need to get my shit together so here I go again.

I decided on the name forca because I happen to love that song by Nelly Furtado. I heard it today for the first time in a long time.

Music is amazing, isn’t it? The way you can practically friggen time travel. When I heard it today, I was back in my old office, in my old house where I lived with my douche of an ex husband. I loved the acoustics in that room. I’d BLAST that song on that big ass computer. I probably illegally downloaded it on Napster and played it in my Winamp. I’d have it on repeat while writing in Open Diary. No doubt writing about how my husband was super awesome and life was amazing.  (lol)

But that song gave me that feeling again today, that POSITIVE feeling that I can do anything. I really HAVE an amazing life right now, and some amazing things on the horizon too. But I also have my demons and a better grip on reality too, that I didn’t have back in those early 2000’s. But anyways, that’s why I chose this diary name.

I might actually write and take the time out of my  day, like I need to. I hope I do.

I guess we will see!