Valentine’s day love and blues.

So here I am again…to vent.

For those who said I need to talk to Doug about how I am feeling…I have, for the record. He said "If I felt like we were where we were supposed to be, I’d take the next step." He also said he was trigger shy…being divorced before. He is afraid of getting a divorce again.

Its my favorite holiday..and its not really about a relationship for me…its great to celebrate with your best friend, and get laid which is why I am glad I am celebrating with Doug…but I’ve gone out and hung out with my girlfriends (Not having sex, for all you perves) but I just love to celebrate! Its not more exciting that I am in a relationship on Valentine’s day…its just my holiday PERIOD.

So I asked Doug if I could plan Valentine’s day this year. Unfortunatly he has to speak at the state fair…so he wont be home till like 8pm. He came home to change around 3pm and I made some brownies and gave him some lovin.

Now, I’m going to pick up his favorite cheesecake from TGI fridays…the vanilla bean. I am buying a whole one. I put candles all over the place and rose petals on the bed. Going to wear a cocktail dress, and order his favorite pizza. ..then a rose petal bubble bath tonight.

People have been saying he’s going to propose on Valentine’s day for MONTHS…and I knew he wouldnt. I KNEW it wasnt going to happen. I have known for a long time its not in the cards for today…I still KNOW its not going to happen. I just know him very well and he cant really hide much from me, just based on the things he’s said and stuff like that I just know it wont happen.

So with that said…I’ve been kinda upset about it all day. He knows something is up. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. I was hoping that if I just cried and got it over with maybe I could just feel better…but I dont know. Hopefully I can make it through dinner without showing myself.

He already knows what I want…he KNOWS somethings wrong…and I know he knows me so well he knows what it is…so I dont want to ruin my favorite day with talking about it. I just want it to be romantic. I just want to enjoy being with him. I’m sick of basically asking for him to ask me….when I tell him its what I want…and that I’ve been ready for a long time, thats what I’m doing…I’m asking him to ask me. How unromantic is that?

I dont know how much longer I can let myself be upset. I LOVE being with him..and it just kills me to think of my life with out him…but I also cant spend much longer "waiting".

alright…thats it.