Marriage Healing Path

To contact or Not to contact

My darling, I know to others you believe you are not wanted. Perhaps my wanting you enables the other woman. It probably does. It is the lies that are most hard to deal with. You call me out on everything and remember everything I’ve ever done, yet claim no memory for what you have said and done that are deep betrayals. I realize you are patterning your life after the mother you so desperately hate that you believe is dying. Yet, your lifestyle is causing you slow death and you do not mind.

Yesterday you yelled and were stubborn yet accused me of being stubborn. Your phone is an extension of the rot and secrets you want to keep close to you. I look back and see what was there from the beginning. This cheating is completely different than what you used to be, yet what was always there? Not wanting to fully admit you were not in a good place, you needed to do way more than you were doing, not being completely honest about your job opportunities and money situation, etc. The alcohol and hatred of your mother was also there, but I did not see the alcohol as an issue and proceeded cautiously with the mother situation.

I can say that the evil you did to me, that you won’t cope to despite my evidence, I can use for good. One is to remember when I was dating you I did not consider my children very well. Now, looking back years later I can view them with more empathy and continue to seek forgiveness and offer support even though it is hard with their anger. I am closer to God because this unbelievable pain at having the veil of trust rendered from my soul about you requires the utmost faith and reliance on God. I have seen Him guide me and vindicate me at your work and in the minds of those who matter and in counseling. I have seen him answer prayers to turn your heart towards me and remove the desire for the other woman in any form. Although you still defend that by saying it is nothing, the anxiety with which you do it is similar to how you would defend the need for no one to every speak to or about your mother. In this way, I know the other woman has not completely left you.

What does this mean for me? You are still attached in some way. You are refusing to see facts. You are refusing to admit you have a problem with alcohol. Anytime I feel anxiety what do I need to remember? Having you back in this home would mean that you would be the same man. I am changing and I believe you are too, but until you release a phone that is an extension of evil towards me and the alcohol used to betray and abuse me, I will never be able to live with you anyway.

Let all that be done, be done in love. Many times I have lashed out at you. At some point I will seek forgiveness from you, but right now I have blocked you all the way.  You know the list I gave you means nothing if I invite you in for more contact. I even heard the newfound excitement at the thought of me and your son going away for the weekend so you could pursue debauchery when if he was there you would feign no energy to take him out and do fun things. I will not let you steal my joy because then what do I have to offer the world or the Lord or anyone around me?

And what about the vows? They hold a person’s virtue together and a community from failing to provide safe places for the children. The children grow up not knowing strong fathers and commitment. So, you say you are only here because you want to be and you are a grown man and can do what you want. You can do what you want, but it is not advisable. It is wrong to have that attitude, but out of your mouth it came. It proves vows are not what they should be. You close your eyes many times. Why? Because you are afraid you will see the truth of you shining back into you. The truth that you won’t look me in the eyes sometimes, but you looked the strange woman in the eyes. You must repent. You can be forgiven of whatever you confess and are remorseful of, and right now it seems to be nothing. All a man’s ways are right in his eyes, but the Lord tests the heart.

This is all for now. God bless. Let not our hearts be troubled because our Savior has already overcome the world.