My first little post

28/10/2022

Hello hello there

 

so im new here, ive had an online diary for like years so the concept is not new to me,

anyway i decided i should change platforms since my other online diary was on a eating disorder platform (formerly called mpa but the name has changed to like ed community whatever idk) which was slightly dangerous and triggering to have on my phone and in too close access of my fingertips.

Let me introduce myself,,,

im Flora, now 18 years old ! I live in western Europe and have 2 brothers and 2 sisters (im the youngest)

ive graduated high school and am currently taking a gap year in Denmark ! All supercool stuff honestly

so a short rundown of ✨my life✨Is that ive been struggling with an eating disorder for 3 or 4 years now, started out as EDNOS or otherwise called ARFID. It mainly started with restriction and binging and restricting,, stuff like that. Then it transformed into bulimia once i realised i could purge handsfree. It got really awful at some point (mainly during and due to corona/isolation). With me restricting and only eating binges and then purging.
so my body was strugglingggggg like bad

i thought i was fucking dying like everyday (which was pretty fair tbh)

somewhere i got fucking depressed as shit (makes sense, considering i had like no time for anything fun,, isolated the shit out of myself and was starving lol)

also the pressure from school was really getting to me the last 2 years of high school (but i graduated, at last!!!!! God bless)

side info is probably that i have an odd relationship with both my parents as my dad used to hit me and moreso my siblings, he is also an alcoholic and has had his 🤌🏼Anger outbursts🤌🏼 At us. My mom is mostly nice though very often was too tired to talk with me and also just ignored everything that my dad was doing (also claiming she had no idea about some of it,, which is blatantly impossible), she got a few hits in too but nothing really bad. Both of them are trying really hard to be good parents though and i can see that they love me very much. They support all of their kids on their decisions on how to live life and are generally really open minded. I appreciate them a lot but theyve had their bad moments

ive been in a lot of treatment things for my ed, and though they’ve helped. Im not cured,, At all like im nowhere near being better (sadly)

so typically i write about how im feeling, how my mental health is ✨evolving✨ And all that type of jazz🤌🏼

so todaaayyy

im in Denmark right, in a højskole that mainly focuses on intercultural experiences,sustainability and artsy type subjects (my subjects are art, ceramics, self-suffiency and herbalism)

there are a LOT of international students here coming from all around the world which is supercool!! And its a very pleasant place to be where there are no grades and not really a lot of pressure to achieve anything. Its mainly a self growth / reflection period of my life. Thats what im hoping is happening anyway hahaha

ive been here since the 10th of august (so about 2,5 months) and ill stay for 2 more months, until december 21st. After that i will either go home or go do volunteering in Kenya. But the options are still open.

The past week i have been feeling really shitty, mainly due to a stomachvirus i seem to have gotten. I threw up all the time monday and tuesday but its getting slightly better i think. My stomach still hurts every time i eat but hey,, at least i can eat lmao. Now i got my period so yk everything is hurting regardless lol iwannadie

but toooday ive been a lot better !! I went to classes in the morning, so that was nice !! I was really tempted to just stay in bed like i had been doing for the past week haha but we had to take ✨class pictures✨ So i actually had to get up to get my picture taken. At that point i was already dressed and shit so I figured i might aswell just go to class. We did a stupid task in my opinion hahahahaha we had to like cut out paper to make clothes (??) idk either but i didnt like it. Whateverwhatever im missing the point

THE POINT IS it was very nice to be up and partake in the class and talk to people and feel n o r m a l. Then during lunch break i went on a walk which was soooo nice and refreshing. BUT then when i came back and it was time for ceramic class,, i was so fucking tired it was insane. I figured it was useless to try and push myself through that class so i went to bed !! Look at me !! Putting myself first and resting when i feel i need it hahaha
so i slept until like 17:00-ish which was very needed. Then i watched some youtube and stretched a little bit, did a few sit-ups yadayada i barely remember and then i ate dinner :3

i had a salad and some bread !!
i shall update you on the food situation here so there is actually some context; we have a buffet style meal for every meal, so lunch is a hot meal and dinner is like hot or cold food. For someone with an eating disorder (especially with binging involved) this. Is. A. Nightmare.
there is no limit and so much choice that it becomes overwhelming

i used to just eat and eat and eat and then be so fucking stuffed i felt like shit and often purged afterwards.
so i now am trying this system where i eat warm foods for lunch and then a salad + cold foods for dinner, so its at least a little more balanced and less overeating 🙂

so far that system has worked very well (for how much i managed to eat this last week anyway)

which btw the fucking being sick and unable to eat was so triggering for my ed

i was like !!!!!!weightloss!!!!!! Now !!!!!

im trying to push that mindset off but its quite hard honeslty.

ANYWAY

on with the day. After dinner i went to the store to buy some m&m’s and ice cream (grr) then i followed an evening ceramics class and finished up my mug and other little projects i had going on,, mostly was just there to spend some time with Ana and Will (my latest go to friends cuz ✨yes✨) they are really funny and nice to be around 👉🏻👈🏻
after the class we played some like idk what its called but the little soccer thing where u have like bars with little soccer players and u try to make goals,, that.

and ✨after✨ That

we watched fawlty towers which is an awfully comforting show what the fuck. Is up with that hahahah

it was so cosy (or as the danes would say, hygge)

im just extremely grateful to be here and extremely glad i reached out for help when i needed it at every point of my life. I did good and i applaud myself:)

i love being here and im so so glad i got this opportunity

 

xoxo Flora