WOW this year was crazy

Someone asked me to tell them my life story, and I realized so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin. Just so much has changed this year…

What happened this year guy-wise: I broke up with Surya, I asked Owen to Sadies’, Owen chose me as 2nd choice out of Top 3, heartbroken; Surya asked to get back together, I said itd be best if we were friends, Jason asked me out, tried it out with Jason because he was one of my best friends, didn’t end well, Jason and I aren’t friends anymore, Surya and I got back together over summer, Surya moved to Santa Barbara, Surya moved to New York, Surya broke up with me, I’m heartbroken. Still friends, want to talk to him but giving him his space, hooked up by making out with Alex, ending this hooking up thing next week… I still love Surya… it’s going to be 2 months next week since I’ve seen him and a month since we broke up

Cotillion-wise: Had to kick Dean and Dylan out of the court, replaced with Rene and Preston, Rene liked Miriam, Rene liked Michelle, Michelle and Rene got together, Jason and Surya fought, Jason and I fought, Surya and I got back together 3 days before the cotillion, Sneha and Brian are a good pair lol Ashlei almost kicked out, Ashlei and Dean fought, Rene and Dean are awkward, Michelle’s mom fought Rene, bitched out Eriel, Jason almost ditched cotillion, Kyle Rene Brian Surya and/or Ashkon get him back, everyone goes crazy, father-daughter dance officially makes top 5 most embarassing moments in my life

firsts-wise: broke up, got back together, and got broken up with someone, let go of floating lanterns, hosted a cotillion, got drunk for the first time, hooked up with someone for the first time, MCC, went to tricking convention, got a solo in choir, met Steve Tarada from Quest Crew, went to Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time, met my all-time favorite band who took my song request, almost crashed someone’s car, got a job in a yogurt shop, serenaded to (this time by a majority of my friends), just literally a bunch of crazy shit that went down.

I had a breakdown this week earlier on Wednesday and Thursday; I felt really bad about everyone leaving me. Surya just broke up with me, and my closest friends are going elsewhere. My go-to friends would be Miriam, Sneha, Rene and Brian, Ambika is too but I just didn’t want to disappoint her with the whole Alex thing since she warned me about him. But everyone except Rene is off elsewhere… Cal Poly, Sacramento, Santa Barbara, New York… a little thing with Rene happened last week that made me not want to hang out with him cause I didn’t want him to misinterpret things but now it’s all good. Everyone has been really supportive of me; everyone of them called me back and wanted to make sure I was okay. They’re all so good, some with just listening, giving advice, making me laugh, being totally non-judgmental and helping me be strong. They’re honestly some of the best people I’ve ever met and I don’t know what I would do without them. But deep down, I know that I have to be strong. I have to stand on my own sometimes. It’s gonna be tough, and it’ll take a few months, but it will make me a stronger person. Right now, I’m way too dependent on my friends. I love em to death but I have to stop breaking down when things go a little bad. Miriam says that its not easy breaking up and that I have to keep myself busy because there are days when you just want to break down but you can’t, you have to keep going and it will definitely make you stronger. Sneha makes me laugh and always feel better when I’m in doubt. Brian pushes me to stop thinking about it, that he knows where I’ve been and I can’t keep thinking these things. He hates it when I’m sad, that he’s always here to talk but it’s something that just heals with time. Rene is also pushing me to do stuff with him to take my mind off things and that he’d rather have me get drunk with him than hook up with Alex to get my mind off things [[[ this was the situation with Rene btw: although I’m not sure I want to do that again, Rene was really touchy and kinda used me as an outlet because he’s been sad lately… the distance between him and Michelle has been hard, what with her making out with 2 random guys on the 1st week in Hawaii for spin the bottle… he lied down on my lap last week and kept stroking my arm and we ended up holding hands the entire time watching Insidious 2. I tried to let go but he still held on so I felt like I could let go.. but I talked about it with him and that I meant it as nothing romantic and that I was doing it as a supportive gesture and he said he was just scared but you never know… so I just won’t be around him when he gets drunk again… anyways I don’t think its a big deal but I don’t know if I should bring it up to Michelle… if she gets mad at me she has no right to anyways… not like I made out with him so I think Im safe in that department…]]] But we talked about things and the situation is over and behind us. I still consider him a great friend who’s always been there for me and I appreciate Thursdays when he comes visit me at Blush. Ambika found out by Lalitha by Alex about us making out… she and Sneha talked about it and I felt bad. Ambika was not mad and understanding when she talked about it with me, but still… I felt bad I didn’t get to tell her beforehand. I wanted to tell Alex not to tell Lalitha to not tell Ambika but Alex didn’t show up to class this entire week so I didn’t get the chance to tell him. Anyways, I talked to Ambika and let her know everything when she asked and she told me everything so we’re all good. I really treasure these friends.

I don’t know… this week was just a lot to handle. It seems like everybody’s moving on except me. I need to keep going to. I’m glad that high school had a great ending… I remember that Sneha said this is freshman year all over again. I remember how many friends I made at the end of the year. It’s a new beginning… it’s not always what you expect, and sometimes, it’s even better. I have to give it some time. It’s only been the first month. But wow what a month O_O It’s hard looking for the good in things sometimes. I also have an overgrowing jealousy of my friends, how they get to start off their new lives elsewhere making new friends experience freedom while Im stuck at home with some of the same friends who still have the same problems. Its kind of suffocating, and I think it’s good that some change has happened. I want Surya to be happy, more than I want to be happy, and I know he did this for us. I know that we know that we were drifting apart, and it can’t be helped. I love him, but I don’t want him to be tied down either. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Meanwhile, I found myself growing crazier… I stalked some of his current fb photos in New York (I’m most jealous of him right now actually), kept all of his texts, scrolled through our skype history, watched old videos he sent me, looked through our pictures, and I’ve even been finding myself hating on Shreya who God knows why she still posts on his wall, and some girl named Irene who keeps taking pictures with him and he looks so gooood UGH 🙁 I have to stop, this isn’t healthy.

Normally my remedy for stress and guy trouble would be hanging out with friends, but now that a majority of my really good ones are gone, I have to find

a new remedy. And I found that my new remedy, the one who will never disappoint me, is myself. Sure I have friends, but also self-reliance goes a long way. The only one in the end for you is yourself. I have to grow as a person. I have to stand alone sometimes. And that’s okay. It’s not going to be entirely lonely. It’s just… I need a change.

Besides the people leaving my life, a few new ones have entered. I really enjoy my friend Greg now. I feel like he likes me somewhat, but I need to make it clear to him that I’m not looking for anything. I just really enjoy the way we can be abusive towards each other and I really like that he has been able to open up to me. I must be really important to him if I’m the 2nd person he ever showed his rap song to. After he showed it to me he’s been opening up to more people. I really enjoy his company and our tradition hangouts on Mondays and Wednesdays. Alex is the obvious one. He’s really cute. I didn’t like him before because I thought he was rude in high school but he sat next to me on the first week and I didn’t even recognize him. He really changed after high school, he’s really nice. I feel bad that I made out with him two times. He helped get my mind off things but in the end I still love Surya. I’m going to break it to him as nicely as possible next week, but I’m not too worried. He’s hooked up with other people before and we’re nothing serious. We have been meaning to hang out though and I do want to get to know him better. David is my new friend in Math and Psych and he’s also pretty fun to hang out with. He’s funny and can be lame too so hes not intimidating. I am cautious when I ask him why hes still at LasPo because it’s his 5th year there now, but he’s really cool still and I like getting to know him (plus helping each other out in math / psych are just bonuses). Joey is Alex’s best friend and they hang out almost all the time. I think it’s cute to have best friends. Rene argues that he never really grew out of high school but tbh if my best friend went to the same community college as me I would be hanging out with them all the time too. I don’t blame him, but I am also glad that my friends don’t go here. That way we can have new experiences and grow as people and have more to tell each other. Joey and I sit next to each other in Theatre. On my left, Cesar sits next to me and he’s cool too, he kinda reminds me of my friend Taylor, they’re both kinda sassy lol but Cesar is rly into horror too and he and I have been talking and he’s giving me American horror story dvd next week so I could get into it. Johnson is another friend who’s been hanging out with me. he randomly asked me in the cafeteria when i was alone if he could sit next to me. we just talked and he seemed pretty cool and i was kinda happy there were normal people at this school. he’s actually the one who asked me what my life story was and the muse for this entry. he is one of the many people from tracy that I’ve met this year. the thing that kinda sucks about LasPo though is that everyone at community college is just trying to get out and not make friends. besides that, i feel like i haven’t made any girl friends who are here. i would talk to Shannon Ashlei and Mai but that’s pretty much it. I see Ashlei so much, I’m trying to avoid her because she hasn’t been a really good friend lately. When I tried to open up to her about Alex she laughed at the idea of me hooking up. and she was super judgy about Rene and I. Mai is fun to talk to and Dean is trying to get me to hook me up with her. It didn’t work in high school, I don’t think it’ll work now… and Shannon is just always at psych club. Psych club is pretty cool, I really like it. One of the guys in psych club went to the same Hush Sound concert as me and Tammie and we became friends with him! it was a small world. Shannon is a very complex person, she always has a lot to talk about and she doesn’t judge. I opened up to her on the way home on the bus when she saw me breaking down at school. she told me some stuff about tammie to make me feel better, even though i dont think i was supposed to hear it but oh well lol we were in the same counseling group in high school so i’m glad we’ve been reconnecting again, it’s been 2 years. i told her about how it was weird that i never thought i would hook up with alex cause he went out with missy who was also in our counseling group. i remember telling missy how i thought alex was rude and she said alex was the nicest guy she ever dated. shannon told me though that alex called her a slut and spread it around because when her and alex did it, it was alex’s first time and missy hesitated putting out and she only slept with one other guy, her boyfriend at the time, before alex. i don’t know what to believe, but i’m ending the thing with alex fersure though. if ambika rene and shannon warned me about alex, even when they all dont talk to each other, thats a huge reputation. anyways, i still want to be friends and thats all, it was a 2-time thing. ANYWAYS, moving on, there are no close girl friends I have that go to LasPo. I naturally am more comfortable with guys, but I feel like I can’t even just have a guy to talk to without fear of them trying to get with me, which has happened so much this month its kind of ridiculous. calvin and carlos are annoying texters and Greg can get like that sometimes, but Greg is an exception bc I like talking to Greg. Johnson sometimes is like that and David is a normal texter, he kinda texts the same way I do haha

SO THE MAIN POINT OF THIS ENTRY IS: What is my goal? What do I want from the end of this year? I have a few goals:

Be independent. You know what you have to do. The first step is always the hardest. Get good grades, work, and get my driver’s license. You can do it! Just practice.
Make friends. So you’re at community college. So what? It’s not the end of the world. You still meet people. Hell, at least your school is safer than sketchy-ass San Jose State. Make the best of it. You got yourself here, you can get yourself out. Do it fast though; life goes fast, and that bridge of opportunity is only available for a limited age gap. Make the effort! Go to clubs, concerts, find stuff to do! No one’s going to hand you anything.
Keep yourself busy; well that’s working… even if you don’t want to be busy life pushes you against your will towards the future.
Where’s the passion??? You had these outbursts of creativity over the summer. What happened? It’s awesome making art and music. Better to do something you love and keep at it to pass the time.
Keep toned! If you dont know what to do workout. Idk Ashley for gods sakes you know what the hell you need to do, you just gotta do it… ask permission a million times from your parents and prove to them you can do stuff and work for what you want; even if i’m the only one whos telling you this who else is gonna tell you? Ashley you’re better than everyone! Stop doubting yourself! You can do this! Work hard!!! Find what you want to do. And GET TO WORK!

Sorry, fitting some pep talk in there helps. Actually, sorry not sorry. I’ve made the decision to not give a fuck what people think. I don’t even know you people.

This year has been so crazy looking back. God, my last entry was in December 2012. It’s been a while. It feels good to be back.</p