Wait what
I cannot tell you how happy I am for this new year to start. It went by so fast… It always does. I had this stupid hope that he’d at least call for Christmas. I don’t know. It’s so weird that someone you used to be so close to can now be a complete stranger. It’s funny how things work out. But I am done. I am letting go. Goodbye Surya. If you want to see me, that’s your call. Should I let you know that Im gonna be in the same town as you over break? I don’t know.
i just have so much to look forward to.
Christmas was good but I think if I was more involved I would have felt like it was truly Christmas. Everybody in my family got me clothes for Christmas when I specifically asked them not to. They all thought I was pulling some reverse psychology shit lol but they are nice clothes and its the thought that counts. I still feel like a piece of shit because I didn’t get anyone anything. My gift for my family was gonna consist of 3 parts: 1) portrait of them, 2) BART tickets for SF, 3) shirt of their zodiac. I’m feeling iffy about the third part. I was thinking Starbucks gift card for Cassie as inside joke for her Coffee skit in theater. Around this time of year I always get sorta empty and sad. 1st semester always sucks and such. I’ll figure it out.
yesterday was kinda weird though. Brian asked me if I wanted to make out. He thinks it’s not a bad thing. What he said was basically "I feel kind of bad. Like I’m a whore or something. Because I make out with a lot of my friends. But I don’t think it’s weird. They’re really good friends of mine and Im comfortable enough to do it with them and it feels good and I don’t know why it’s such a bad thing, I mean of course the girls I’m with are single and I’m single and that’s ok. For example-and I don’t mean to be hitting on you or anything- but you are really pretty Ashley, you’re attractive and I would not mind making out with you." Along those lines. And then I just said thank you weirdly and he asked so would you maybe want to and I said no Brian there IS a boundary between us. Sure I liked you in sophomore year but then I got to know him and now it’s like he’s my brother and that’s really weird and I don’t like the idea of kissing someone who’s kissed a ton of people. Reality is, friends don’t do that with each other. There was a post on tumblr that reminded me in that moment, where it was like, don’t you wish that friends could make out with each other without it being friend like a way to cheer someone up or make someone’s day? And I thought I agreed with it until the situation actually came up. Yeah but I was kinda sad when he did that. He was the last one of the guys who were my best friends who didn’t hit on me. It’s kinda sad. Oh well. We’re still good. He apologized, I laughed, we talked normally again after that was over, and I feel like I can still go to him for anything,
but now! I’m really excited for the New Year. Even though I’ve changed now and then, I feel like I’ll still always be the same person as I’ve always been. I think my flaw is being reckless with people’s feelings. I shouldn’t lead people on. I give away too much personal info and when the person is hooked, I back away because I get suffocated and become mean.
I’m so excited on my journey of becoming a strong, independent young woman. Haha. I am still very vulnerable and made a ton of stupid decisions in 2013. I gotta think a little bit before going into a situation, or else I might regret it. I am a very emotional person, I rely on intuition and what feels right, whether its logical or not. And in the end, I could just wind up getting myself into more shitty situations that could have been prevented had I just given the situation some thought.