RANT: I want to live my life, too.

I don’t know what to do. Everybody around me is leaving and there’s nothing I can do about it but let them go. I have to move on to but it’s so hard when you’re surrounded by your past all the time. I don’t want to keep hanging out with the same people. I want to live my own life like everybody else is. I want to do so much but I feel so limited. I can’t drive around and I am stuck at home most of the time now. My parents need to let me experience life, there’s so much I want to do. I hate Las Po. The people aren’t exactly my scene. The only people I hang out with at LasPo are Dean, Eriel, Mai, David, my sisters, Greg, somewhat Ashlei, and that’s pretty much it. I hate how Dean always talks about the same stuff, his mind is so limited. Eriel has always been aloof. Mai has been fun to hang around. She’s slowly branching out of her comfort zone and she wants to do lots of things, she’s always interesting to talk to. David is funny to talk to. He has good music taste but he rarely ever does anything. He’s a very nice person. I shouldn’t let the fact that he’s 23 bother me, but it makes me question: why are you still here? Don’t you want more out of life? There’s so much more to life than what I have in store at LasPo. Living with Cassie makes me nauseous. Fortunately, the time has finally come, and she’s moving out of the house and going to San Jose State next semester so I finally get to have my own room. I would love some privacy. I hate being surrounded by my family all the time. I want alone time. Greg is always so hostile and sassy. even though he considers me a close friend of his, and he shows me stuff and i show him stuff, he’s so parental and is always trying to preach and its so annoying and someone please save me. Ashlei has been really annoying me. i feel bad but the thing is that i just dont want to talk to her anymore. i feel like such a bitch. i want to live my life. The more I try to talk about other things, no one gets me. I just feel so resentful, and so jealous. I’m so jealous of Sneha and Surya. Sneha seems like she’s having a lot of fun, and that’s good. I miss her so much and I wish that I could talk to her. But out of everyone, I miss Surya the most. It’s been 2 months and I know I should move on but I can’t. I really want to stay positive but it’s so hard. I always had the motto that if I had a good support system that I would be fine. But god, my support system sucks lately. Lately I’ve been keeping it in; I don’t feel like I can tell anyone how I’ve been feeling and it’s like no one understands. I’m pretty sure that there are other people who are in my shoes right now but I want someone to lift me up, not tie me down. I gotta be my own hero. I gotta be my own hero. I gotta be my own hero. I just want to break down but I can’t and I won’t. I’m afraid that by keeping it in I’ll become hard but I’m afraid that if I let it out that I’m just gonna have people feeling sorry for me and I don’t want to rain on anybody’s parade. I can’t concentrate. I have to write an essay right now ugh. I want someone to talk to; I’m trying to stay positive and find ways to self-improve. It gave me some meaning when I worked on portraits. I hate not sharing anything with anyone.

It’s hard finding someone to talk to. I guess I can talk to Tammie. But Tammie can be judgemental sometimes. I want to just talk about how I really feel without offending anyone. I want to tell someone what I long to do and the places I want to go and everything. I miss talking about stuff. The most intriguing conversation I had recently was with Mai and travelling. I want to rant about what annoys me about the people around here and how annoyed I am with myself and how I’m desperately trying to find a solution to my problems and it just sucks when the people who may want to help out are also the people who give me these problems. I want someone to connect to. I want to escape LasPo. I find the people I talk to nowadays very boring and they complain about everything and bring me down.

MY MINDS ALL OVER THE PLACE. Basically, I just want to talk to someone who understands me and listens to me. Who lifts me up, not brings me down. With no fear of offending them, and only gives advice if I ask. I don’t want the person who I’m talking to feeling repressed to talk about how great their life is. Is that so much to ask? I don’t feel like anyone understands me. 

My mind is my sanctuary. I gotta be my own hero.