let the healing begin

these past few months have been shitty. im not fooling anyone, I’m not fooling myself. I’m discontent with my life. these are my dark truths… ive been in it for myself for awhile. i thought i was a good person but im not. when people really need me i forsake them. my aunt has been going through so much pain bc of the cancer and my mom constantly gives me chores and my dad forced me to join the church band to play flute on sundays. i hate the people at church. i always felt excluded by them and awkward. i kept thinking that maybe once i go to college, i can start off anew, but im held down by these people. they brag about me too much. i look back at my sister cassie and keep thinking to myself that i dont want to be her in 4 years… living at home, unable to drive, still at cc for 4th year running. I want to get out. Its selfish. and i want to better myself at the same time. im a coward. ive always read up on how to change my life and things to make it more meaningful but i never actually do anything. life really is what you make it. i get irritated by a majority of things. but the thing that im irritate by the most is myself. i hate myself. im not someone who i am proud of. sure, everyone wants to make plans with me and hang out but does anyone actually ever rely on me? no. im unreliable and i know that. i’m so selfish. i also read siddhartha and that made fasting really appealing to me. "And of what use are they? For example, fasting, what good is that?" "It is of great value, sir. If a man has nothing to eat, fasting is the most intelligent thing he can do. If, for instance, Siddhartha had not learned how to fast, he would have had to seek some kind of work today, either with you, or elsewhere, for hunger would have driven him. But as it is, Siddhartha can wait calmly. He is not impatient, he is not in need, he can ward off hunger for a long time and laugh at it. Therefore, fasting is using, sir." I want to do good. But then I start getting annoyed with people. I can’t be with anyone for long amounts of time. That’s probably why I get sick of my family so much. I then start to get to know people and they start to get clingy and I want my space and I dont talk to them again and thats why few people are dear to me– friend wise. I need to build up loyalty and altruism. I need to be more tolerant of others. i start to get mean when i get too close to people and then we become strangers again. im a bitch that way. im in a constant state of dissatisfaction. i want to sell everything. i want to be with my family / friends and do what i love. 3 am is a good time for telling the truth. im sorry victor that i wasnt there for you in your moment of heartbreak. i know that im a shitty friend. i cant find myself talking to you again because i feel bad and that probably sounds selfish but you deserve someone who keeps their word. i think one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone is your word. im selfish. and hopefully in unleashing these truths, about what i think of people, the world and myself, i can let the healing begin. i will probably regret publishing this in the morning.. constantly ive been worried about college, whether i can keep this relationship up with surya, who i will talk to after high school, if we die my life will have been a waste of time spent in school, how if i die i was never able to connect with my dad, i wish i could but then i remember why i dont like talking to him, that he forgets half the things i say, is controlling, impatient, a hypocrite.. the list goes on. but in the end, his intentions are good and that he wants us to be a happy family. he just doesn’t know how. he thinks that by treating us like shit and that by going to church every sunday he is a good person. he cannot even communicate with us. that brings it back to me. if im not happy, how can i expect to make others happy? i should put others in front of myself more often. maybe in turn i’ll be happier. brittany is not my friend. neither is taylor. they are too abusive of friends and ive put up with too much of their bullshit for too long. they always make me feel bad about myself, like im stupid, and have poor taste in clothes, and am just weird. it makes me feel conscious to even say anything anymore. i keep holding it in but the few times ive stuck up for myself, they distanced themselves from me. i have not let myself breakdown though, i have kept it together because i know that holding in one moment of anger will save me a hundred days of sorrow. but what if i hold in every day with anger? then aren’t i just already sad? such shallow friends. shallow friends for a shallow person. i’m planning to deactivate my facebook after this week. i’m just an awkward bitch. but i’ve found that it’s possible to become friends again with people who i’ve hated. naudia and i didnt talk to each other for a year until she apologized to me, when really it should have been the other way around. probably the only person i wont forgive is matt. i hate matt. hate is so contagious. i’m an awkward awful person. i want to be better. i want to be better. i feel like cady from mean girls, how she’s ‘sucking out all the venom out of her life’. really lame i know. i have to make some life-changing decisions right now and its scary, that realization when you’re not a kid anymore. i’m slowly approaching my 18th in february. gosh, i wish i could go back to when things were simpler. i was so young, full of possibilities. i wish i seized the day more. there’s always hope left. i need to be alone this break. i am in such a weird position. i want to feel that by doing this, i’m starting to become a better person. that once i admit this to myself, that’s where i can begin to improve. well bitch, start doing something. life is getting shorter and i dont have all year. i gotta make everything count and better. all these to-do lists i’ve made aren’t validations on what’s going to make me happy person., well, they do make me somewhat happy. i like writing things down. i hate math. it’s a constant battle with math and will continue to be so for years to come. now im getting off topic. what is the topic anyways? i like adam sandler’s movies, they are stupid but always make me laugh. it is sometimes like that with will ferrell but not alwyas. i just watched the longest yard. i hate facebook. the only thing i use it for is storing my photos somewhere. i gotta go to bed now. im really uncomfortable when it comes to my religion, catholicism. i need to do some tai chi and become one with Him. i love my lit class. i spoke up for the first time on friday. it was awkward since she didnt remember my name and called me natasha since i said i wanted to go by ashley but i guess thats what happens when youre passive and unmemorable. i hate people who are favorites. i like people who are hidden, the unobvious choices. favorites lose their value when too many people talk about them. which is probably why im not a fan of jacob luke or eli. but im glad i spoke up. im gonna try it more often since it got me thinking about more ideas. i stuttered but everyone was respectful to my ideas. i did one thing that scared me. i fled again today. deryk’s girlfriend from the phils came to visit along with the ang’s. i don’t really like the ang’s and i suck at being a host and im terrible at hiding my feelings. this entry’s full of contradictions within myself. but as walt whitman once said, "Do I contradict m

yself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes." I haven’t written on here in awhile. It feels good letting everything out. I’ve been very uncomfortable with myself these past few months, and I feel like I can start over. People may hate me, people may resent me, but i’ve got to try again. what else can i do? hegel said that even though there are differing sides, they are all sides of one whole truth. its okay for them to contradict each other, they can still simultaneously exist. this goes for philosophy, politics, religion, etc. i found that really struck me. fulton’s a great teacher. she’s teaching me how to think. it sucks to think that, for a majority of the teachers i’ve ever had in high school, only fulton, middleton, crawbuck, and butterfield were the most influential to me. fulton teaches me how to think for myself and that the answer is already within yourself, middleton’s integration in the classroom broke social barriers and i can apply a lot of what i learned in psych to outside things. crawbuck was just a fun, memorable teacher to be honest.. she was easy but i liked her a lot, and she gave me good studying tips. butterfield is the longest i’ve known him for since i’ve had him since freshman year, yet he is still influential to me. i don’t hate him, but i don’t necessarily like him either. i resent him for the things he’s made me do in the past, but i’m over it. i learned that it’s all about communication, and sometimes it’s gonna be like that in the real world. people who are liked better by the boss are given jobs or promotions than by people who are less favored but deserve the job just as much. he taught me a lot about communication more so than music. its sad to know that beth isnt at the school anymore. i was really hoping that i’d have her long enough to present me for graduation. she was the biggest influence my whole high school experience and taught me more than all of those other teachers i’ve ever had. even if she was just a counselor, she was a big mentor. she probably has the best job on campus. i don’t know why she had to leave. i need to talk to her. i want to tell her how i’m feeling. i’m not too crazy about the new counselor. she called me in on friday. she asked if im interested in having group again. but i dont want to do it. its not that i have trust issues, its just that beth has seen my growth over time since freshman year and it would have really been awesome to have her see my growth (if any), knowing all the history i’ve ever had. it sucks. i suggested coed groups, i’m getting tired of talking to girls all the time. they take way too long to finish their stories sometimes and i need a different perspective. suryas coming over tomorrow i forgot. i wish i could talk this much to him without him getting off topic. i need to be at my fullest if im with him. i have to go to bed now. the answer’s within yourself remember that. note to self stop procrastinating, just do it. goodnight