It’s time

I got a haircut. I felt kinda bad since I kept saying that I was gonna donate it after 3 years of growing it out…. But if I donated it now it would have been too short for me and its already been a long time since I got one. It needed to happen. It’s medium and it kinda feels good chopping it off. It kinda feels like I was chopping off my past. It’s different. I got my bangs swept to the other side for once, which I’ve never done. It’s kinda been crazy. So I’m pretty much done with guys right now. I was meaning to break things off with Alex because I felt like I couldn’t handle it when I was still not over my ex and was pretty much using him. We made out on his bed shirtless unexpectedly for like 2 hours and it felt really good. He has a really nice torso and it kinda felt good to feel nothing. However, I felt like shit afterwards and was tryna plan out how to break it off with him. Luckily, yesterday he texted me and he said he was thinking about us and he thought it’d be best if we just remained friends. I felt relieved and said it was totally fine and I thanked him for being really cool about this and that it was fun while it lasted. So we’re cool now but it kinda makes me wonder if maybe he broke it off because he just wanted to see me shirtless and see if I looked good and if I didn’t then he wouldn’t continue it. Plus I have a little bit of weird belly hair I’m really conscious of which I kept tryna hide from him. Either way, it’s whatever and I don’t need to know. He still found me attractive enough to make out with and that’s good enough for me. As of yesterday, it has been a month since surya broke up with me and 3 weeks since he’s talked to me. I’m kinda bummed about it. He said even though we’re not together anymore, he said that he still considers me his best friend there and he tells everyone there and he still has the greatest compassion for me. It’s just that his actions don’t really show it. I’m the last who texted him back and he hasn’t replied. I know you need time to grieve and such so you don’t end up getting back together, but when I broke up with him at least I didn’t stop talking to him. It just really sucks that its not the same way. It used to be where he said that talking to me was his favorite part of the day. I wonder if he just discarded me because he thinks he’s better than me now that he’s in the city now or something. I don’t know. I did something really horrible. I stalked his fb but felt bad bc I kept hating on this girl who I’m pretty sure now’s a friend but it doesn’t matter, I deactivated my fb to stop stalking him and also have my mom off my back. I remembered that I knew his fb password and hacked it and read through his messages with his sister and he said that he hasn’t been close to any girl and that he has a group of friends that are girls but they’re just friends. That gave me some relief and I felt bad and never hacked into it again. Today I just attempted to contact him. I just sent him ‘Hey :)’ and that’s it. It was a few minutes ago actually. If he texts back, that’s good. I just want to hear from him. But if he doesn’t text back, I leave him alone and don’t try to contact him again until he’s ready to talk to me. I’m very emotional usually but I can’t tell now, I’m starting to feel less strongly about things and that kind of scares me. Mostly my life has been pretty empty, trying to find a way to fill in my void. My close friends and elsewhere, my family wants me to quit my job, I’m broken up with… Life’s not fun as it was just a few months ago. However, I’m glad everything happened. I’m glad of all the memories I’ve ever had. This year was definitely my craziest. I gotta keep doing what I live though: drawing. Drawing is pretty much my sanctuary. I gotta create sanctuary in myself. I remember being so inspired when I read siddhartha. My English class discussions were pretty much daily reflections on me and my life. I don’t know. I’m becoming a shallow fuck. I wasn’t always like this. But it’s okay for change. If I didn’t have change, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate the good times. So this is my new change. New haircut, improving my drawing skills, making new friends, working harder than ever before, coming out a stronger person. I hope so at least. Tomorrow I am officially starting a workout bootcamp for myself. I really want toned legs. Plus my drawing project, which I’ve now decided is to draw 50 people before the end of this year. I’ve got 2 down so far, and I’m actually working currently on Alex, who’s still cool with me using him in my project. Life’s changing and I gotta keep up. There’s only so much to do in so little time.