I’m such a dickface

This has been a really stressful summer. Okay well it’s only been one week but whatever. I’ve encountered this new sort of stress. I think I’ve gotten it ever since I’ve been with Surya. I can’t relax if I’m not doing something productive. This is leading to me overeating, biting my nails again (i thought i stopped the habit but it came back during finals), and me picking at my face all the blackheads I could find, just overall not a good idea. I can’t help comparing myself to him. I hacked his facebook cause he does that to mine all the time and I read one of the convos he had with a friend saying that he’s thinking of going to Princeton. It makes me feel so shitty. I’ve never known anyone as good and perfect as Surya. He’s just beautiful, the way he’s been through so much and seen so many things and experienced so much and yet he still won’t complain even though he works his ass off to get to where he is and is so kind and accepting towards almost everyone he meets, and even with the people he gets annoyed with he still doesn’t push them away and keeps that same kindness. God, I envy him and at the same time adore him. It’s just being with him has made me realize how much shittier of a person I am and wallow in self-pity because I don’t want to annoy him or make him go away, even if he is the one who put so much effort into getting to know me and make me his. I get sad because we really only have a year left together and then he is free to go anywhere he wants because he’s that smart. He also comes from a rich family so paying for tuition, a dorm and a car won’t be difficult for him. I know that as much as he likes me, I can’t keep him grounded. He wants to do his own thing, and I must do my own. of course, i have to stay at home and as much as I will try to get into UC Santa Cruz, I have to figure out my future too. I know that we’ve only been together a little more than 2 months now, but I have a good feeling about him. I don’t want to lose him. Him being gone next week for 2 months is just a taste of what our future might hold. I really fucking wish I had a webcam. He’s so kind to me.

I had a really weird dream last night though. Actually, I’ve had multiple dreams. I think about Diego. It’s such a douchebag thing to do. Even though I’m with Surya, I still can’t help but think what might have happened with Diego. He was a shy person and at the beginning I know that he treated me like shit but I couldn’t help but want to change that and over time it was really nice to see that he began to warm up to me over the years and eventually walk with each other to class. I think he did like me. He even suggested that we hang out and he did spend my birthday with me watching Chronicle. It was too fast. I tried to make him jealous by saying John asked me to senior ball. He didn’t seem to show any signs of jealousy though. The week before prom though, he tried to grab my attention a lot and even stuttered when asking about who Surya was, cause he didn’t know, and he heard about me getting serenaded. I told him and he’s like wow and I could tell he was a little jealous. I asked him why he didn’t want to go and he was like who’s going to want to dance with me and i said i’ll dance with you i’m stealing other people’s dates and he didn’t say anything. i felt bad though… after i started going out with Surya, I eventually stopped eating at my table. It’s not a real loss… I was really just sitting there because I didn’t have anyone else to sit with at lunch and I wanted to get closer to Diego. But I really did see progress though. Being an exception to him made me feel special. I think of what might have happened had I just told him how I felt, or how he would have just spoken up instead of just being so shy, and maybe something could have happened… it was just too soon to be liking Surya, I should have waited since I was still hung up on Diego. We never did get the timing right. Life is full of bad timings.. anyways, I had a dream about Diego last night. It was him saying hi to me, and asking my chill questions (i forget what) and my old pe teacher from elementary school Ms. Cereda announces to a group surrounding us ‘Do you see this guy? He’s so oblivious. When he doesn’t say anything it means he likes you! he’s too shy to ever admit to anything but that’s how he truly feels!’ or something around those lines, the dream’s still a little hazy.. and a bunch of people were looking at us. I was embarassed and so was he. he put up a piece of paper to shield us from everyone and block everyone from our sight. i hung onto his arm and held it close to me.. surya was in my dream too but i can’t remember what he did.. diego was still even wearing that stupid blue cookie monster hoodie he always wears… i feel like such a bitch for stil kind of wanting him. he is the one that got away. sure he has his douchebag ways ie trying to look cool by putting down a lot of his friends but there were nice parts of him, ie offering food to me, asking how i was, being concerned and walking with me to class… and there are still parts of him i hate, like how he insulted my grandpa (abu) in freshmen year saying it was his fault he had emphysema, or making fun of me when i burnt a part of my nose that still has a scar on it. i get mad about those things and for some crazy stupid reason i fell for this guy. i thought it was only looks but i think it’s mostly the part that he changed from his ways, that just for me he would act like a good, genuine guy and seeing that transition made possible is what made our friendship so beautiful. and i think that’s why i really liked him. even when he suggested that i was ugly, stupid and awkward at times, I just couldn’t help being hooked. i’m such a stupid girl. i really despise myself for liking someone that was insulting me. the worst part is that i’ve had more dreams about diego than of surya.

i really want to change how i feel. i try to repress memories of diego and even with the distance and no talking, he somehow still finds a way back into my unconscious. i hate this. i really like Surya though. he’s brought out the best in me. and i agree with kim. he really does balance out my spazziness and keeps me grounded. it works out. he makes me want to change myself for the better and prove that i’m worthy and to be proud to call me his. it’s also my overthinking but i don’t know. i really hope i don’t think about diego anymore. the more i try to shove him out of my mind, the more he keeps making his way into my head. i wonder sometimes if the people i dream about ever dream of me.. or ever at the same time.. it’s crazy. he probably never thinks of me.

i’m such a bitch. i was going to make this private but i don’t know. i guess not. i hate being indecisive. i truly hope that in the future, i will never leave my guy and no other love will break us apart. idk god i sound so annoying i hate myself why does he even like me. i fear that one day he will find out all my ugly sides… would he still want me?

Sometimes I think I’m better off alone. Had it not been for Surya, my friends would still be wanting to hang out with me and not hesitate, my grades might have been higher, and I would probably have more time thinking for myself. At the same time, I’ve had some of the best days of my life, and I can’t stand not having him close to me. it’s nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, and know that you h

old someone’s heart. A lot has changed this year.. first date, first kiss, first boyfriend, first time in the east coast, first time… well, im pretty sure there other firsts ive done but i cant think of it right now. Plus I’ve been overthinking way too much! Even when I have a boyfriend, I’m in a constant state of dissatisfactory. What’s wrong with me. UGHGHGHGH I’m going to bed. It’s 4 in the fucking morning. I have to think of what I got to do with my life. An emotionally stable girlfriend isn’t too much to ask for is it? maybe my period’s coming up. god, i’ll be so happy if that’s just the case.

goodnight OD. sincerely dickface