I want to talk

I want to talk about philosophy and drugs and unbelievable stories and hopes and dreams and embarrassing moments. I want to talk about love and hate and the people associated with which. I want someone to hug me in the way they pick me up and twirl me off the ground. I want someone to surprise me. Or shock me. Either way, I want the unexpected to happen. I think a change will do me good. Maybe a new haircut. I kinda want to write a story. I have a few things I think are funny that I’ve jotted down on my iPad. I want to sketch again, this time people. I think that sketching portraits of people might be one of my greatest accomplishments if I can do that. It’d also make great gifts, and I think people will appreciate it. I think good gifts are ones with thought and time put into it. 

I feel like reaching out to new people. I want to get to know Greg more. I think he’s down to earth… He’s very confident in himself all the time except when it comes to his raps, which I think are actually pretty good. I know that he kinda may sorta have a thing for me, and I don’t feel the same way about him, but I really do like him as a friend. It sucks that I want to be friends with someone and then I feel like I’m leading them on. Dean has been trying to get me to be his wingman for awhile with Mai and he said that she friend zoned him in sophomore year but he’s trying it out again and says if he gets friend zoned a second time he’s gonna be pissed. That’s kinda annoying and immature… If you were really a good guy you wouldn’t expect anything in return. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she just wanted to be friends? Ugh I swear guys… That’s what also pissed me off about Jason. After the first week, he told me he was so happy because he was so tired of getting friend zoned. Uh, sorry? Asshole…

I keep thinking about surya. I can’t help it. There’s so many songs on my iPod that remind me of him. References to New York are made daily out of nowhere… It’s definitely also a downer on my confidence level when he’s off to do greater things than me. It really made me happy though that he said that if he learned anything from our relationship, I taught him how to have fun. That really makes me happy. All I really want for him is to be happy. He totally deserves it. He’s gonna go off to experience new things, meet new people, go to new places and make his own memories.

I have to also. And it will happen. For now, my life has come to a slow halt. It’s given me a lot of time to focus on myself. Its kinda hard but it will make me stronger. I learned from some Econ seminar I snuck into that in order to be really successful, you have to put in 10,000 hours. That means around 7 years, 3-4 hours a day. I’m not sure what exactly I want to improve on, but there are a few things I’m interested in.

Tricking is hard but I want to learn. It takes a lot of time and practice… It’s also kind of dangerous to your body; once you break something you might break it forever. You only have 1 body. So the more realistic alternative is art. I’ve always been attached to art, as an outlet for stress and also because its something I’ve always enjoyed doing. However, I’ve always been drawing anime figures. Mostly girls’ / guys’ winter outfits or hair or face or them kissing from side views and I just like looking at it, creating what I want. But I don’t think I’ll ever improve as an artist if I keep drawing the same things. I really want to draw realistic looking people to do portraits and also hands. I want to draw landscapes of cities and make abstract art. Sure, I’ll probably never be good at it so much it makes me a job, but I want to share it with others and see myself improve. It’s hard to make it in the real world. I mean, I’m already living in the real world but I consider it really living when I’m on my own.

My family stresses me out time to time. A lot of opportunities have been passed up because they don’t allow me to do things. I can’t drive because they rarely want to supervise me and teach me how. Plus I couldn’t take the cafeteria job anymore because of them, which sucks because that would have really helped make some extra money and would probably help me get free food in the cafeteria. I’ve been resentful of them lately. I wish I didn’t always have to tell them where I am or what I’m doing or ask if its okay to hangout with someone or tell them who. Filipino parents, I swear to God! I want freedom already. I have to practice driving sometime. If I practice on the weekends, then I can probably get it before the end of the year. I don’t have anytime during the week besides Fridays Saturdays and Sundays to practice. I’m 18 already, I gotta get my shit together. People younger than me who are more successful than me makes me hate myself lol. I hate it when they treat me like a kid. I hate curfew and spending "family time" together when they’re fighting or dads talking like a child or moms stalking my Facebook (1 reason I deactivated my Facebook, asides from the fact that I keep stalking my ex and I need to STOP)…

So things I want to do before the year ends (or within the next year):

-get my license

-improve in my art or sketching

-see my friends when they come back from break

-figure out something I may be intere

sted in for a career

-make really good new friends from LasPo

-get toned legs to condition myself for tricking

-write a story for this year

-read a good book

-figure out a school I may be interested in going to

-think of places I want to visit in the future

-visit Santa Barbara or Boston / New York

As much as I’d like to get out of LasPo, I can’t just keep thinking of better days ahead of me. I gotta work hard but have fun too. It’s all about balance.

I also learned a few things from LasPo this past month:

-the 10,000 hour rule on how to be successful

-if you are able to teach the material to somebody else, then you will have mastered that concept

-to improve your drawing, draw a picture of something everyday that you have never drawn before without sketching. I forgot what this is called, I will have to ask Gaelan again…

-you have to be your own hero

No one is going to give you anything. You gotta work for it. My usual case was that all I needed were my friends or family. Basically a good support system. I told Surya that. He agrees. I think that if trouble or problems ever came my way, I would be fine and I could handle it as long as I had a good support system. Good vibes and good people keep me from going insane. My family usually drives me crazy so I stray away from them. Music is always a good outlet too. I love dancing.

I want to dance with someone so bad. I want to rock out crazy and do stupid shit. Not grind or freak. I dance freakyyy but not freak. I will do anything really. I really want to slow dance with someone to a John Mayer song or something. I really want a hug. Daily hugs always kept me going. So many hugs in high school. I’m afraid to touch some people in LasPo lol, that may freak me out or something.

I might actually take up an offer to go clubbing in the city with Rene. I wanna bring girls though too. I don’t actually know if I’ll do good in a club where they only freak though. The clubs I want to go to for silly dancing or slow dancing or swing dancing are actually kinda rare, maybe even nonexistent I. The city. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong… I’ll do my research.

Anyways, gotta go to bed and start another new day. I will enjoy tomorrow. Goodnight~