Forgiveness

Have you ever loved and hate someone at the same time?
Have you ever want to kill them and forgive them at the same time?

I know hating someone is not good for me and they are going on with they’re lives and I’m still holding on to the past. I don’t know how to let it go. I have not seen him sence 2009 and have not talk to him sence 2011. He wanted to be friends and I broke off the friendship, but he had a girlfriend and still does, so there really can’t be a friendship. Not like we can double date or do dinner parties together. Plus we don’t share the same friends (I really don’t have that many friends anyway). We use to talk to each other about everything, than it became so awkward.
 
We were friends with benefits and he said we never should have cross the line and just keep the friendship, but the friendship and the sex both started the first night we met. We dated or kick it or what you want you call it for two years. I told him I loved him and he said I was just in love with the sex and he was not ready to be in a relationship again. But when I try to pull away, he would act hurt. If I try to date other guys he would say I should make time for him, in the end he found a girlfriend and drop me like a bag of coals (I didn’t see it coming but I knew it was going to happen), not mad about that part really. Mostly jealous.
 
Why is it so hard to find true love when everyone is looking for it?……. I have dated a few guys, but they are looking more for ass and not love. And after the last relationship, I refuse to start off a relationship with sex. Why are men so in to just sex? They clam all pussy feels the same, but they do believe that the best pussy is new pussy. If that is true it seem to me that they would be looking to find love more than a woman would, cause all women know that all dick don’t feel the same and the best dick is the one you are in love with.
 
Anyway back to him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him and at him. I miss him. I delete him from my facebook, sometime I want to add him back. But I feel like he would ignore it. Maybe I should email him or texts, no it may be a waste of time. I feel as if I need  to let him know I forgive him. Put all my card on the table. But the love I felt and still feel it very strong today. I don’t want to cause problem with him and his girlfriend. I want him to be happy and loved.
 
I’m just going to stay away. But I am still confused and in love.