I begin again…

I had an OD account from the time I was 14 until it shut down. I had a teen opendiary and a free open diary. This site was an influential part of my life for a very long time. When I heard it was coming back I was thrilled. I chose not to reactivate my old diary or my old diary name. In the years since OD shut down everything has changed for me. There are times it feel like that person, who owned that diary, is not me. In the time since I was last on here my life has fallen apart and I’ve pieced it back together only to wonder if I did the right thing.

My husband cheated on me.

My best friends turned out to be a psychopath hell bent on becoming me and destroying my life in the process.

I finally found my spiritual path.

I struggle with suicidal ideations and depression at times.

I feel like I am living a stranger’s life now.

My mother is dying of cancer.

I am told all t he time how much better my life will be if I practice journaling. My problem is that due to repeated and deep breaches of trust by those closest to me I almost have a panic attack every time I try to journal. What if someone tries to use my thoughts and feelings against me? It happened before with my “friend”. She was my journal, my safe space, and when she went off the deep end she did her best to take me with her. She used everything I had ever confessed to her in secret as a weapon against me. I know an inanimate diary isn’t going to turn on me but putting myself out there in any real way is terror inducing.

I am broken.

I am never going to be who I was again.

I am mostly ok with that. She was a bit of a blind pushover. I am still with my husband. We have worked/ are working through everything. I am not always an easy woman to live with. I am independent and bossy. I really hate being told I’m wrong but I will tell you that you are wrong in a heartbeat. My depression can hit hard some days and it is everything I have to get out of bed and get my kids to and from school. I often feel like I am failing at everything in my life. I have days that go by where I can’t even tell you what happened all day, yet suddenly the sun is going down and I am lost.

I’ve tried getting better sleep. I have been a night owl my entire life. I’m having to use medications to force myself onto a “normal” sleep schedule but it feels so foriegn. I always am at my best in the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately it means I am at my worst right around when I have to get my kdis up and ready for school. I feel like I am constantly shoving myself into what I am supposed to be and failing miserably. I can feel that my soul is seeking something else. Anything else. I moved to a new city. I am making new friends. I am still so empty inside.

It is like I was hurt so badly, so many times, and in such rapid succession that I shut down. I shut off my feelings like a faucet because I was drowning and now I am just pretending to feel anything other than sadness and anger. I am angry at everyone and everything these days. I hate that because I’ve always been a happy person. I hate how much I have let others affect me. I also hate them for what they did to me. I wonder if they have ever felt pain like I have been in these past few years and if so, why would they inflict that on another person?

I feel like every day I am trying to take more and more steps away from humanity in general. The absolute lack of compassion and inability to be…well…human makes me sick most days. Sick and angry. I wish I could turn this anger into something useful. Instead it is just tamped down frustration. I feel like I am living in a world hurting as much as I am and the people in it are perpetuating the cycle of pain by taking theirs out on others. I get it. I want to lash out and make someone else feel what I am feeling. But what does that serve? In the end I still feel hurt and angry and now I’ve added more hurt and angry people to the world.

Sometimes it all just feels so heavy.