This is my wish

As I was reading last night, I realized how much I really love Jack. His lips were pursed slightly as he slept soundly next to me. I had to read to try and stay on the night shift schedule, which he didn’t mind "as long as I can rest my hand on your hip", and of course I obliged. At one point the cat was destroying a toy mouse in the living room, resulting in some sort of a crash (laundry rack?). He awoke, sleepy eyed and looked at me. I said it was just the cat, and he settled back into dreamland in an instant. He didn’t even remember that this morning, so it must have been a seamless relaxed moment in his mind. As if I have this man in my life, this man who I’ve travelled hundreds of kilometres to be near, this man who continues to make me smile and laugh every day. I’ve never been one to shy away from cliche, but it seems to me that to say he is my best friend would be just that, and would somehow diminish what it is that we share. I just can’t explain it in a few words- its as if I have this person in my life who I plan my dreams with, for this week and forever, a person in my life who is there when the tears fall but isn’t the one who causes them, a person in my life who plays and dances and laughs his way through life. His cute way of singing while he works, his proud grade 3 face when he builds a shelf for our kitchen to hold my live herbs as a surprise when I’m working another night shift away from sleeping in his arms. His way of including me in his plans for work, his way of showing to others with his statements of just how much of a team we are. How did I find this person, four and a half years ago? More importantly, how did he know to wait for me?

One little stare from you is all it takes
I melt, everytime you look at me that way
It never fails. Anytime, any place.
This burn in me is the coolest thing I’ve ever felt
I melt

I was broken when Jack met me. Dating Dave was something that caused me to lose a part of myself, a part of my strength. My early twentys were difficult- my parents divorce, moving out on my own, university #1 and hating my job prospects, university #2 was better in terms of where I could go, but tedious in its completion (know anyone else who made it to the top of the class with the worst attendance record for lectures?) and luckily brought me to the profession that I really enjoy, despite the challenges at times. Now a Masters, and then who knows? I know Dave didn’t mean to squash my spirit- but it happened nonetheless. We were both young, and I tried too hard to fix a broken love, but it just wasn’t meant to be. The first year with Jack taught me that. I wish I could return to that self, that girl who met him in 2004, and tell her to relax, to fall freely in love with this man, that everything would work itself out if she would just feel safe enough to be true to herself from the beginning.

You weather a few storms and pull out a few thorns
And in heaven, the garden it grows and grows
A deep breath and baby steps
That’s how the whole thing starts
Its a long slow beautiful dance

Jack is a big part of my happiness in life, but he isn’t the only happiness. My career, my academics, my satisfaction at being able to set goals and meet them, have really brought to light what it is that I am. I’m not searching for me anymore- I’m searching for fun, for adventure and weeding my garden of that which gets in the way of achieving those ends. I probably can’t really afford the vacations I’m taking this summer, but I’d rather work overtime and be a bit hard on my body these days so that I can benefit from filling my time how I’d want to. I’m living life as I would if I never had to work for pay, but only because I wanted to. I’ve seen so many broken dreams, and helped so many children on their way to becoming angels, families on their way to becoming survivors, how can I be anything but frugal with my own short time on this earth?

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms.
Now I’m just rolling home
Into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

Perhaps I’m just being morbid, but it is a reality that Jack will fly in a war zone one day. It’s either this month, next february or next year at this point. I just don’t have the luxury to be able to waste my time in life or his. In my own self, and my own life, I have many things that will keep me afloat if I were to lose Jack. I have no intention of going down that road willingly, but I have a will and a strength to continue at this point in my life that I just couldn’t have imagined cultivating when I was that lost, angry, sad twentysomething back in those early days. Jack hasn’t made me happy- I’ve made me happy. He just happened to be there for the first steps, and now we both get the benefit of what has since transpired. I wouldnt’ say I’m spouse centred, but he certainly is one of several spheres of my life that just seems to have worked out better than I ever could have imagined.

The loss of him, were it to happen, would be just devastating. I have this fear that it is because he is so good, that he would be the one to fall from the sky. Last month, there was a helicopter crash in the same mountain range where Jack was flying. I saw burning helicopter parts on tv, with the announcer stating "Four die in Cranbook helicopter crash, including the pilot". I couldn’t get a hold of whether it was his helicopter or not for a full five minutes. Just writing this now, I remember that feeling all too well. I never want to feel that way. Thank goodness it wasn’t his helicopter- but what of the woman who did have to live that nightmare? And others? Life is short, and tenuous, and precious. I intend to give and take my way through it as authentically and passionately as possible.  No more angst, no more confusion. I’ve not felt sad about things I couldn’t identify in over a year. That mystery sadness lifted itself through figuring out myself and my path for now. I realized last night that I’m actually 29. For some reason I thought I was still 28. I feel as though I’ve learned so much, yet have so much more to learn. I’m too busy being to notice the inevitable passage of time!

If its cold outside show the world the warmth of your smile
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You’ll never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And hopes the same things too
Yeah this, is my wish

*Religous references due to lyrical selections.