Sound the alarm (keeps running through my head)
That Beyonce song keeps running through my head. Not so much the lyrics, but the pace of it, the rawness of the anger, frustration, hurt and pain that she sings about. Its just representing in such a real way that feeling of outraged anger- anger at everyone and nothing at the same time, because I know it’s nobody’s ‘fault’ that I feel this way, it just is.
The doctor’s secretary called to say they have no openings before Wednesday am. I said ‘that’s okay, I’ll just have to wait’. I know that I’m not the only patient with concerns right now, and its not like my concerns are overly time sensitive (although if I do need to go the route of a D&C down the line I’ll feel like waiting now has negatively impacted my ‘uterine health’ or some holistic belief like that). She was so cheery, I couldn’t be rude, even in tone- but I felt like I wanted to be. I wanted to demand to have this mental anguish relieved, either with a ‘we don’t know what it is and will monitor over the coming weeks’ or a ‘this is what it is and these are your likely outcomes and options’ kind of discussion.
I have to recert my PALS (Pediatric Advanced Life Support) tomorrow. It expires this year. I really don’t care about doing mock codes right now for an entire 8 hour day.
The hardest thing, has been feeling utterly alone. Nobody has blogs on this subject, Yahoo answers and babycentre and all these other random google searches give little to explain what this finding could mean- other than interpreting other related findings that were either a)catastrophic or b)completely and utterly benign. Jack is doing his best to comfort me, and I appreciate that, and we talk about it every now and then when it comes up during the day, but as I sit here typing with tears welling into my eyes yet stubbornly refusing to start crying (baby needs all the positive it can get right now, is my silly self talk) I can’t help but feel like I’m walking this alone in some respects. I’m the one who people know is pregnant, I’m the one they ask how I am feeling not knowing I’m feeling like running and hiding and smashing things and swearing all in the same split second thought of how to answer their questions. People asking me if I’m excited about the baby coming and hearing my own attempt to make a normalized response… and I just can’t tell everyone about this either. OD has been a great outlet- I feel here. I’m not terrified and quiet and withdrawn and feeling like a fraud here. I just AM here.
Jack keeps saying we will make it through this, that we are a team, that I am loved, that baby is loved. Everyone I know says there is probably nothing to worry about, that baby is just fine in there.
Its our first year anniversary this weekend, and all I can think is- I hope I can get the strength to leave the house and be happy for a while. For both of our sake’s.
I gave Jasper (our dog) a peanut butter premium plus cracker yesterday and we laughed at his continued smack lipped response to it. I said aloud ‘I really needed that laugh, you crazy dog’. There’s not a lot of laughter and hope filling my days this week.
Worse perhaps, I can’t help but feel like I am a failure. Can I only make babies who die? I did everything right, including preconception folic acid, alcohol abstaining, heck I’ve eliminated all caffeine, all artificial sweetners anything ‘unnatural’…
Was it because we lived in Edmonton for the last four years? There are so many refineries there. Was it because I drank the tap water in downtown Toronto all that time in my sketchy apartment where the faucets were always getting black mould? Was it because of the pelvic xrays I had in the early 1980s as a baby to diagnose a congenital hip defect? Am I defective? Is this the road I am meant to travel to come to some better enlightenment in the future?
I know this thinking isn’t healthy so I spend most of my time self talking into other hopeful things. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t still moments that catch me off guard where the thoughts aren’t all rainbows and gumdrops. I know, at 13 +2 weeks there is nothing, NOTHING I can do to make the outcome go one way or another- I can just try my best to wage a good battle against this stress and hope for the best. One little nagging thought that helps is that ‘maybe if I hadn’t had an ultrasound until 20 weeks this finding would have disappeared…’ anything, any little thing to hope for that baby to be well and healthy come next April.
I’m tired. And pregnant. And sad.
FGirl