Some milestones are anti climactic

So I bought a car yesterday. My own, brand new Honda Fit. I wanted blue, but there were none left in the province, so I ‘settled’ for Milano Red, which was also the last of its colour in all of Western Canada. Seems buying near the end of the production run leaves less selection than you’d think! At the time, I told Jack I was "80% okay" with having the car red instead of the pearlized blue. By the time we got home after dinner, I’d moved to "97% happy" with the colour being red. It sounds silly, to care about the colour of your car- but it feels a little bit like a personal statement of sorts. Jack’s car is burnt orange- and it just suits him somehow, even though the colour shouldn’t really be such a big deal. Of course I’ve picked up two overtime shifts this week to help with some of the extra costs- I can easily make my car, insurance and gas payments for the whole month by working one extra 12 hour shift. I’m certainly going to miss the freedom of this kind of earning power when I return to school in the fall.

Speaking of school, I’m getting nervous. I mean, it’s like a friend of mine in medical school said, you keep wondering when people will realize you’re not qualified enough to be here. I feel like I’m knowledgeable, but so new to the profession- I have people skills and practical skills, and am honing my research and application skills- but each day makes me realize how much more there is to learn. While studying to become an NP, I’m seeing that I’m going to have to constantly challenge myself to push the envelope of quality care just that much higher. Can I? It’s not a matter of will these days- there is no lack of willpower or positive attitude. Its like Jack says about some people who try to be pilots but just don’t pass the training courses- they have the knowledge, they should be able to pass, but they just don’t have the hands and feet. How do I know if I have the hands and feet to take on such professional responsibility until I’m in the thick of it? I’m sure that some of these fears will be allayed by my clinical placement this fall. It just seems like the NPs I see in practice work so well independently, and have so much knowledge off the tops of their heads, will I ever be at a point in my practice where I can feel that strongly about my abilities or will I be just good enough to meet the minimum? A lot of the literature I’ve read says it’s normal to feel like a second degree novice when working on a Masters/NP- and I sure feel that way these days.

Back to the whole money issue. Those who know me are aware of how much I love budgeting. Seriously, if I could run some sort of consulting business on the side to help people learn financial planning, it’d be a cool thing to try out. Of course, I’d get frustrated with people making no changes and sticking to bad habits, so maybe having it as a hobby is a better idea for now! Anyways, whenever I mention being worried about the upcoming year and making ends meet, Jack is quick to pipe up that I don’t have to worry, that we are a team, that he will pay bills if cash gets tight. I’ll still be working 25 hours a week, but I’ve gotten used to the lifestyle I can afford while working full time (and overtime!). I think I’ll have to stay open minded about overtime during two courses and a clinical placement- when will I have time for that, and staying healthy with working out, and homework, and hobbies… there is just so much living to do, and not enough time to get it done! What I wouldn’t give today for a few solid hours of sleeping in- curtains drawn, no cat pestering me at the blinds, warm snuggling body next to me- le sigh. Hopefully Jack will have the long weekend off, as its still up in the air right now. I’d much rather have a holiday weekend with him around than to be working OT. That said, there is an invite to join some friends for camping this weekend too, so maybe I’ll choose more to do than just work and home. After all, how many holiday weekends do we get!

I’m still considering changing jobs again before finishing my Masters- perhaps to something more in my field, less critical/acute care and more community health oriented. Still, I can’t see myself happy to just do injection clinics or something like that, which is the most of what is offered out there right now. *sigh* Do I chase the ‘perfect’ job the way some people chase money, thinking it will bring them that ultimate happiness? I know Jack loves his job- so perhaps I should just listen to that voice that tells me to just keep looking until I find what fits the best. Lord knows I’m just starting out, and have many chances for the future!

Firecracker Girl