Past the one month hurdle

November 8th marked one month since we lost our little one. I have slowly been recovering from everything. Physically, I felt ‘fine’ within days, I’d say my hormones took about 2-3 weeks to even out in terms of pregnancy symptoms clearing away, and emotionally I have good times and bad times but most days I don’t feel as sad anymore. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, or how it felt to be pregnant or how sad I was those first few weeks, but it is getting a little easier.

The other day, I found an Xmas ornament in the hospital gift shop, of an angel with a golden heart held between two hands, one on top and one cradling the bottom with the words "Kept Forever in The Heart" etched onto the back. The lady at the store asked if it was for my mother, I said no, its for me. She said usually these are gifts for mothers. I said "Well, we had a baby, a little girl, but she died, so I got this to remind me of her as the upcoming holidays arrive." She said "Well, we have baby’s 1st Xmas if you’d prefer?". I said: "No, I’ll keep this one, thanks" thinking that our little girl didn’t get to have a first Christmas, so it didn’t seem right to have that kind of an ornament to remember her short little existence.

It has now been 1 month and 3 days, and I am moving on, a day at a time, but it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I feel ready now to say I can move forward. I feel the desire to write about other things, to live other things and to look forward to the coming holiday season with joy and hope for the chance to try and get pregnant before the end of 2010 (body and mind willing, that is!)

I’ve returned to the hospital where we had our first ultrasound, and had some tears well up as I passed the restaurant where we ate afterwards to ‘celebrate’ having that ‘healthy’ heartbeat. I remember feeling SO hungry, and SO pregnant, and SO relieved during that lunch… it was wistful thinking to pass by it and wish I could go back to that innocent time. But, I am not stuck in that feeling of regret, I am moving forward, I can feel it- and so, aside from a few thoughts here and there I think it is time to close this chapter of my life and open a new one.

Baby girl, you’ll be remembered, but I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad every day, so I’m going to move on now. Thank you for making me a better future mommy to your brothers and sisters to be; I promise I will cherish them more for having known you first.

FGirl