Nester.

So I was pregnant. For about 72 hours. I experienced a miscarriage, or ‘early pregnancy loss’ as we refer to it in the emerg… basically I had a positive home pregnancy test, was elated, told hubby… got a serum beta HCG (blood evaluation of pregnancy hormone levels) that indicated right on target. Then, felt different. The breast tenderness was almost gone, no more morning nausea. I just didn’t feel pregnant anymore. Did a follow up test. Indicated levels that were 19 instead of in the 200’s where they should have been. "Munchkin" (as Jack called it) didn’t last. So I was, then I wasn’t, pregnant. For about 4 days.

I’m not sure whether I should be sad or not. I mean, it was a bit uncomfortable but if I hadn’t been in the emerg as a nurse and able to test my own blood levels I would have 1) never really known I was pregnant, even though I did have a positive home pregnancy test and 2) I wouldn’t have known I was having a loss as it wasn’t much different than a period (outside of the rather uncomfortable confirmatory ultrasound…) so really, if I weren’t a nurse, I would have thought it a month where my period was just a bit late, instead of knowing it was something, then for whatever reason, wasn’t something anymore.

We’re not ‘actively trying’ per se, but I know my fertile days (TMI but essentially temperature, cervical mucous and timing) and I know we have nookie about every other day during that four to five day window… I wonder if I unecessarily worried about ever getting married, that perhaps I am unecessarily worrying about ever carrring a baby to term.

I guess my only saving grace is to think that at least I didn’t require a D&C, and to think that if I weren’t ‘on the inside’ that I might have only had the ‘false’ result on a home pregnancy test…

But then, nothing can really prepare you to read your own B- Hcg result at work, knowing you are no longer carrying that love child you wanted so badly yet cannot keep.

I left work early that night. I cried a bit, my coworkers hugged me. I joined a club of women who had already ‘been there, done that’ but who still understood my underplayings as a young uncomfortable woman not knowing how to really evaluate the situation except to underplay while at work and in a certain role.

I had to care for a Mom with mastitis and the most beautiful 6 week old baby. He smiled at her, fed so naturally and was so secure. She was so confident in her first time Mom abilities. I had to leave, go to see my husband- the beauty of what she had and what I had lost mere hours earlier was too much to bear.

Jack was sad. We walked the dog, I cried a few times, I felt supported. I tried to tell him it was okay for him to be sad too. I guess January 13th we’ll remember… or not. That was the day the baby might have come.

Anyways, my sister had sent me a text before I knew it wasn’t to be, wishing me a secret happy Mother’s day, to me and the little nester. But nester is no longer. And I feel… not really empty but sad nonetheless.

Jack made me whole wheat waffles the next morning at my request. I felt… better somehow. Cared for. Yet still alone. My sister was in Ontario, my parents didn’t even know yet as we’d only known for such a short time.

I have the medical charts photocopied. On thursday I was pregnant. By Monday, no longer.

It’s a strange place to be.

And what to say of the months to come?

I am an auntie, my niece is 8 months almost.

My cousin just had twin girls.

My other cousin, her second baby, a boy named Evan.

My other other cousin, an ‘accidental’ baby after they were done having babies.

And here, I am.

FGirl