I’m not so much prickly as raw…

Not feeling so good today.

Job is fine, exactly what I need actually in terms of enriching my clinical skills. Docs are supportive and easygoing and interprofessionally focused. Patients are interesting and engaging. I have allocated teaching/research time blocks in my schedule (which I’ve been spending doing case studies in preparation for my NP certification exam coming up in May). Support staff coworkers are more or less competent but do require a little supervision for most tasks (how hard is it to remember to clean a room after a patient uses it… that’s kinda your job and not something I should remind you to do, but I digress…)

However, I am not happy. Not in the sense that I’m depressed or outwardly showing it. I’m just pissed. Resentful. Angry. Edgy. Bitter. All of these negative emotions require a lot of time, and effort to manage. I say manage because I don’t WANT to feel these things, I just DO. So I spend a great deal of time motivating myself to feel better, to do things that help me feel less sad, to go to the gym, sleep enough at night, eat healthfully and accomplish my goals. But its not easy. So many mornings, I just want to stay in bed and have a mental health day. I wake up through the night often, my mind thinking of all of my worries and not finding resolution.

School doesn’t really stress me in an acute way, its a chronic stress of the past 12 years in post secondary education (minus one year off which did wonders for my mental health) while balancing work and home life. I am doing okay, but I am not happy. I feel like I’ve been handed too much sadness, too much uncertainty, too much worry. Not that I would wish it on anyone else, and not that I feel justified in having this pity party, but in this resounding repetitive thinking "I don’t want to be here!!!" I didnt’ choose this city to live in, I didn’t choose the pay cut I took ($1500/month each = $3000/month family income decreased) I didn’t choose to have my baby die, and not be able to get pregnant again.

Yup, got my period this morning around 5am. So that means three cycles of trying to conceive with nothing to show for it. And I’m enjoying the bonding of it, the closeness and intimacy of being with my husband has not lost its magic, but the stark reality that I am not pregnant still floors me each and every month. Why? WHY? There are no answers.

I do okay, I get my work done, I love, I laugh… but I am still harbouring sadness inside. It hasn’t left me completely, I doubt it ever totally will. Maybe it is too much to wish that I can have a baby to make this sadness feel less encompassing. I wouldn’t want that to be the baby’s job by any means… but that doesn’t mean I won’t be happy to have another pregnancy to pour love and energy into should I be blessed by the universe to do so.

Yesterday it came up at  work, a question about how do I work in PICU with children who are dying. "It must be so sad, I couldn’t do it" they said. I said: "Yes, it is sad, but also, it is about returning healthy children to their families, and for those who do die, it is a part of life, their bodies just give out and there isn’t much we can do." The coworker replied saying "When you have your own baby maybe you will feel differently." (She knows about the loss of my baby girl). I was so upset by this, I replied "I had my own baby. She died. That was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever felt. Having a child with me won’t change that I already know what that feels like." She went on to say "Well maybe when you actually get to love your own child you will feel differently" To which I said "I did love my baby. Every day that I had her. More than you could understand, evidently."

YEEEOWCH. This whole thing hurts. Its not her fault, she’s just ignorant. I’m bitter that she had her two unplanned pregnancies before she turned 23 and I can’t get pregnant and keep a baby in my 30s after waiting and planning and hoping for these children since my teenage years. I did everything I could to make the best life for my children… and yet I can’t bring them to it, at least not yet.

I did reply with as much kindness as I could, she didn’t even skip a beat or realize that was she said was diminishing or hurtful. I wasn’t trying to hurt her back, I’m glad that wasn’t my motivation, but I did need to say what I said- I had a baby. I loved my baby. I do know what it means to be a mother. I may not have been one for as long or in as much of a physical context as you have, but I haven’t had complete nothingness in that kind of love either.

Gawd it hurts to be barren.

FGirl