I’d just rather not feel.

I think tonight I realized, I don’t remember how far apart my arms are when I hug him. The scent of his skin, is but a memory. The sight of his dimpled smile, forever etched in my mind. He is so close in everything I do and so far away from home.

I hallucinated in the night that he called my phone, and it rang in the kitchen or the office. My phone was right next to my bed the whole time, but it never made a sound. No call ever came in.

I am raw. I am sad. I am fearful that all that I hold dear and true in this world lies within my ties to him, my life as it is when he is able to hold me on bad days, and we can laugh and play together on good days.

I have seen so much destruction that was under the guise of love. To know this love and to see that it can exist, and to think that it might be torn from my hands, utterly destroys me.

I am. I feel. I think. I do. But I can’t help but feel tied to him, to us, to the future.

I’m moving forward through molasses. Life goes on, but mine is on hold.

A white and red rose wilting amongst baby’s breath in an empty fat bastard bottle.

Am I strong enough to do be his woman? This is but the first mission…

FGirl