Greater than I

Last night I had my first code experience, where it was "my patient" and not my assisting with another nurses’ ill patient. Basically, a code in pediatrics means anything involving cessation of breathing or impending cessation of breathing. In adults, the heart stopping is usually called a code blue, but in kids their hearts aren’t usually the primary cause of near death experiences. The best part about working in the pediatrics ICU is true to the nurses mantra: "You’re never alone in the PICU". Thank goodness I had such a good team. I was totally shocked at my ability to 1)get things completed as required 2)get things documented as they happened 3)get the patient’s parents phoned 4)get the patient’s bed in order before the parents came to help with the shock of an unplanned situation (the little kiddie had to be placed on a breathing machine) I was also glad that I actually took the time to tell the other nurses (when things had settled down and the kiddie was stable again) that this was my first code, so that I could get feedback on what had gone well and what could use improvement. There’s one nurse in particular who always forgets my name, but also always champions when I do things well in the course of working on the unit, who told me she was surprised I had handled it so well when things started going crappy. It’s a good feeling when someone you respect has something like that to say about you in a life and death situation, when you’re trying to help a team do something. Her affirmation of my abilities encourages me to continue on this crazy learning curve I’ve decided to undertake in working as an intensive care pediatric nurse.

I know I’ve not written for a while. There’s a lot of good in my life right now, and unfortunately not a lot of spare time to spend journaling on the computer.  I came to OD for a place to review and unload. I think the strangest part is my feelings about what happened last night- let’s say there were 500 things that got done, and of those 500 things, legally and technically speaking I did everything correctly. Still, there are areas where I could improve, which I’ve realized in retrospect. I know now, that I won’t be waiting anxiously for my ‘first code’ not knowing what to expect- although I’m sure I’ll experience other code situations, somehow having the first one down and having it go according to how I’ve been trained relaxes that anxiety a little bit.

I got to thinking, what do other people do at their jobs? I kept asking myself, what the heck do I do for a living? I save lives? Because that seems so laughable, so cliche and so not why I became interested in helping others in the first place. Why help others? What does it do for them? What does it do for me? What do people who work in offices do with their successes and challenges? Is personal growth something that you expect to gain from work experience, or life experience, or is it just some sort of meaning I find in the work that I do? Do stock market traders grow personally from what they do? Teachers? Presidents? How is it that there is still so much for me to learn, that when I step back and reflect on where I am now versus where I was even just a year ago, that I can’t conclude otherwise than to believe that there is still so much more to learn?

Sometimes, my heart just aches with the desire to cry for the children I see who won’t get better. My eyes wish they could release the pain those families feel as I’m holding their hands and searching for kleenex. My heart feels relief when I say my private goodbyes to the children I’ve cared for and lost, while nurses on the ward don’t ask questions about why I need my few moments in the rooms that are just too quiet. Somtimes I can’t sleep at night, for fear that something I’ve done or neglected to do might cause a child undue harm somehow. And yet despite all of this, I can honestly say that I now love my job and what I do. I continue going into work 90% of the time excited and interested in learning and working towards becoming a better nurse and a better person. (The early mornings and 12 hour night shifts are what cause the 10% desire to stay home).

There was a time I was religious, but the overhanging doubts and questions I’ve had have led me to believe different things over the years, leading to a different place now than how I was raised to view God and other such teachings. I’m not a different person, it’s just that I seem to subscribe to a different subset of beliefs that don’t require a methodological practicing in public in order to cement the lessons I’ve gained or am working towards. Living in my head can be lonely sometimes, when I realize that while I can share with others, I can’t really go through anything in synchronus with another person when it comes to how work changes me. I tell my friends and family, in censored versions that can broach the divide between those who know how it feels to care for a sick or dying child, when they ask. But really, who can I share anything that I go through with? There seems to be some sort of censorship on my part. I don’t hold back from sharing because I don’t want to talk about the things I see or feel, but more out of concern for my family thinking that it too much for me to take on, were they to see how deeply it does affect my thoughts.

I never thought I’d say it, but becoming a nurse, really becoming one, has been one of the best learning experiences of my life thus far.

And to think, I had printed off my master’s application to hand in yesterday morning at 9am. Do you think I was going to sit and wait outside the graduate services office and wait for two hours to hand in a little package of dreams after the night I’d had? It can wait until Monday.

And so I go on, footprinting my way through life.

Firecracker Girl