Getting out there

Some new military wives invited us over for thanksgiving dinner last night. I thought it would be a good idea to go- the host warned us ahead of time that one lady was bringing her two daughters, aged 5 and 7, and said she understood if it would be too hard to be around kids this weekend. A very kind thought, but I haven’t been feeling like NOT seeing children, so we agreed to go.

That said, early in the day when we went to starbucks to get a much desired white hot chocolate, where two young Mommas were feeding crumbly muffins to their littles, it took all I had to not cry in the store. I always feel it the same way as the tears try to come up- a little sting in my nose, a lump in my throat then the eyes well up and threaten to spill over. I made it to the car with my hot chocolate before I broke down, crying into Jack’s chest saying "I just wish I were still pregnant."

Which meant yesterday was a one cry day, in all. I somehow feel like counting how many times I’m able to cry or not tells me that I’m starting to feel ‘better’, starting to ‘get over it’ somehow. Its not that I don’t give myself permission to cry, I do, its that the hurt is so much and so deep that I’ll do anything to see a sign of it getting easier. And I guess counting crying helps, in some strange way.

I’ve felt both better and worse all weekend. I didnt’ want to get out of bed this morning- when I’m asleep I can pretend this was all just a bad dream, that my spring baby is still on her way to making her big arrival, that the memory of my husband crying and burying his face in my shoulder never had to happen. He said he would do anything just to fix me- I said "you can’t, you didn’t break me" and he cried for the first time since all of this started. I think he needed permission to be sad too, and I was trying to give that to him, telling him it was okay to cry, but it took saying it in a way that he could really hear for him to let me comfort him.

I had originally thought that I wouldn’t need a week off of work- physically, everything is returning to ‘normal’. The baby belly I had so celebrated is receeding faster than I had thought (who knew most of it was baby growth?), I have had no noticeable pain to date (really think my OB is a demi god in that respect) and I’m beginning to forget the details of the actual procedure, without even trying to. My psyche is trying to heal along with the rest of me. I do need the time off. The four hour dinner last night was too much, I was exhausted and near tears by the end of it. Small talk just feels so empty- like the one person who asked "So, what do you like to do for fun?" and the best answer I came up with off the cuff was "Its been a while since I had fun, that’s a good question…" I’ve been working at my masters and work for sometimes 65 hours a week since March, and then training 50 hours a week for my new job for August and September, and now this. So that is a good question, what do I like to do for fun? For now, walking the dog has been fun, or at least has brightened my moods. I might bake today. If I’m feeling up to it later, we might do a bike ride for me while Jack jogs with Jasper. So I guess there is fun in that, but for now fun is taking a backseat to distraction activities… and I know I would have a hard day at work were I to take care of a complex pediatric patient in ICU right now. So better to take the time off, even if physically I don’t ‘need’ it. Emotionally, I desperately do.

Its our first year anniversary today. No doubt many happy wishes will come our way- and the world should continue to have happy wishes. Still, there is a sting to the feeling of celebration in my heart these days; a sting that wouldn’t want there to not be many happy photos of babies posted from our family thanksgiving that we didn’t attend this year due to distance. But that doesn’t mean seeing those happy wishes and those happy cuddly babies in my cousin’s and Mom’s arms didn’t give just a moment of sting to see. I’m not jealous of pregnant ladies or new babies, as I thought I might have been. No, its not jealousy or envy that I feel- just a deep, concentrated feeling of utter sadness that dulls my heart for a moment.

In time… maybe it will get easier.

FGirl