Failed exam due to stress freak out

I failed my first exam today. It was a practical exam, also known as an OSCE. 2 hours of examination and I barely made it through. I finished two sections early (because I missed major details), I caught myself missing things and had to ask if I could erase what I did the first time and redo it the second time as I had self corrected… it was awful. This on things I had NO trouble with as an RN, or as a student in the practice lab. Testing cranial nerves/sensory deficits?? C’mon, these are not rocket science concepts. Do you think I could remember what the heck ‘stereognosis’ written on my sheet MEANT? I knew I missed things I was just such a mess. This is not what I do! I’m not a stress can’t cope person- am I? What does that mean? I feel so alone, so confused, so misunderstood, so afraid, so stressed. I mean, shouldn’t this be easy to deal with, knowing he could have left from February onwards? It should be! I should be prepped for this! I just didn’t know how it would feel, and I certainly didn’t know how it would feel to find out he was leaving on Sunday and to try and write exams/work/study for the last five days. His parents have come to visit, nobody cries in front of Jack because they don’t want to make it hard on him. So they cry in front of me, when he has left. The sentiment I feel most is just "NO TIME". No time to study, no time to sleep, no time to spend with Jack before he leaves… there’s just no time for the things I want/need/should be doing and its paralyzing that I have trouble breaking from that kind of thinking. I can be productive for a little while, then wham, I’m right back to being useless or distracted or… I mean, I’ve put a load of laundry in the dryer, returned to it in an hour to see it still soaking wet because I never hit start. I’m just not all there when it comes to details. And to have a detailed exam that I needed 90% complete to pass? Good luck. I’m not surprised I failed, not at all. What I’m suprised at is that I COULD fail, if that makes sense. That I could feel this useless and incapable because of being upset about my personal life. Since when did "what if Jack might die" "what will it be like when he’s gone for so long" "why should I study when he’s leaving in x days" "why can’t I sleep when I’m so tired" become the only things I can focus my attention upon?? For cripes sake, he offered me a massage to ease my stress last night and I started crying because I momentarily thought "what if this is the last massage he ever gives me?"

I have a final paper and a written exam to go, and now I have to redo this exam too. I’m just so stressed out, not sleeping well, not able to concentrate for longer than 15 minutes without crying or being sad or mostly just NOT being able to focus. I’m trying to use self talk to get myself out of this brain funk- "Its going to be okay" "You just have to get through school and then can think about other things like Jack leaving" "write an email to a friend, call someone, play a song you like, make some lunch, write in your diary, write to the military girlfriends website" etc etc, but I’m not having the most luck. I can only concentrate for so long then I’m useless. I wish I could just sleep all of this stress away, but then I lay down and can’t relax to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, and then have to get up early in order to do enough work during the day so I can spend my evenings with him before he goes. I feel bad when I’m working on my schoolwork when he’s home because I have less than two weeks left before he leaves and school just seems so insignificant in comparison to the idea that I might not see him again. Oh, how I wish the deployment news had come after finals, or after Christmas, or a LONG time ago. Why now? What’s the rush? What’s the freaking deal with announcing on Nov 26 that he would go, then instead of the *promised* 30 days notice I only get less than three weeks, during finals, during the holidays, to deal with all of these things?

I feel like I’m not dealing with this as well as I should be. I feel like a failure as a student, as a girlfriend. I’ve cried every day since I found out despite telling myself not to think about worse case scenarios, not to feel things for too long when I have so much I have to get done for school. I just don’t work that way I guess.

I was crying as I fell asleep in his arms last night, and he tried to help- but there’s just no helping other than exams being over, Jack’s goodbye being said and moving into the holidays.

I can’t get past it because it hasn’t happened yet. I’m stuck in emotional purgatory.

Anyone come close to a stress breakdown? I’m hoping I’m not in the minority of people who do poorly in this kind of situation.

~H
PS_ To make matters worse, they videotaped my exam so I can relive my failure for a review assignment. Excellent.