Christmas.

Today was Christmas. Before I focus on the negatives, I need to remember the Christmas morning, the phone call from Jack to start off my day and the webcam of smiles and hugs before I went to sleep. I have to remember the bright sunshine for our drive, the loving family members with hugs, gifts and shared stories over dinner (there were 17 of us this year around the table…) I have to remember these things so that in looking back I don’t think of this as my worst Christmas ever- which it wasn’t, there have been several others in the past that have come close with the crying and painful divorced parent disputes, the year my brother came home high on cocaine and acted like a brain damaged patient for 8 hours, the year my father’s girlfriend got drunk and violent… all were much worse in terms of comparison to the actual ‘trauma’ of this years Christmas.

But this year was so different. I tried so hard to be joyful, to be celebratory, to enjoy my neices and nephews. To be interested and loving and giving. I tried to be happy. And to some extent, I was. Yet it was still empty. There was still so much missing, and so much that I’ve been fortunate enough to have in Jack that maybe I just didn’t realize how much joy I have in him and in being his partner in life. Without him it is not ‘worse’, but it is also not ‘good’ either.

I was sad for a time this evening, but I am okay. I am working through it, is the best way to describe how I feek. It is like a private grief of sorts, difficult to explain, difficult to put into words to those who really don’t want to know/see that kind of emotion on Christmas (or anytime for that matter). People asked, then would look away at the tv to avoid meeting my gaze when I answered about how I felt, or would suggest to "think of the wedding in 2010, don’t think of him not being here at Xmas" (yes, we were engaged about two weeks ago; didn’t mention it here yet as I’m not sure how to announce something so happy and yet feeling so sad in the same entry… my emotions swing a lot based on circumstances this month, despite feeling relatively calm and moving forward in terms of overall emotional experiences) and me thinking "How is that a comfort, that makes me have to think that I might or might not wed this man in 2010 depending on where he is and that he is away from me today. That idea is just worse to think of than missing him today."

They are trying to make me feel better. I know this. I’m not mad at them for their choice of words, or approaches, or perspectives. But I just felt worse. Totally not understood, totally not with those who could identify. I felt alone. In a room filled with family members.

In the end, we had to leave because it was getting late. My brother forgot to buy anything for Jack (not that the buying matters, but not even a card?) and his name was drawn by one of my cousins who also forgot to get anything (our spending limit is $50…). How can people forget Jack, when he is all I’ve thought of and missed all day? Can he really be so inconsequential… can what I’m going through really be so invisible?

I kept thinking I didn’t want to be the bummer of Christmas with these feelings, but it wasn’t like I brought it up.
People asked.
What are you to say?
"Fine" is so empty and wrong.
"As well as can be expected" is wrong too.
All I can think of to answer truthfully is that I’m angry at what I see as an unfair situation, at the level of sacrifice today and everyday and for what?
So he can miss Xmas?
So he can… sit in a tent and read about what he’ll be doing in February?
So he can celebrate in Kandahar where he lives in a tent and the bad guys know where that tent is?
There is little relief for my sad heart, except to suck it up and push through with the hope that there is better than before on the side of after this experience. Hope becomes my friend and possible circumstances my enemy.

The circumstances resonate with lonliness, unfairness and a testament to how un-humanist the world can be even at a time of year when we are supposed to be more so humanist than any other time.

I would wish a Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, were it not for the utterly depressing tone of this entry thus far- I think you would know that I meant it, in a hopeful way, but wasn’t able to believe it, not until he is home safely.

~H

——–

Full heart, empty arms.