Another chapter, and with it another transition.

Let’s start this entry off by saying that today I am sad. Sad and feeling somewhat less than vindicated for what is really self imposed martyrdom, in a sense. But before I get to that part of my thoughts and feelings, perhaps a little background.

Jack left town Thursday. He’s moving to Ontario, to our new home, while I’ve moved in with a friend, her husband and two boys in their house. We were together the night before with the pets in a hotel downtown; I drove myself to work while he headed out on the road. I had a little cry and a hug, then bit my lip and tried to be strong so we could both get through the goodbye. It really hit me as he turned left towards the highway, and I had to drive onwards through the maze of one way streets downtown to work. I waved and smiled as he turned away, so he wouldn’t remember seeing those big alligator tears filling the brims of my sunglasses as we parted ways. My drive to work is less than 10 minutes and I filled a cupholder with kleenex. I parked my car, and cried and cried as I tried to compose myself in order to go to work. I texted my sister, thank goodness it was during a time before her day gets hectic and she was able to help me through the hard time of slowing down the tears. She had to leave her whole family behind at about 4 months pregnant too, albeit for a completely different country, but sometimes the distance between Ontario and Manitoba can feel about that far away when you just need to feel your family nearby. It certainly made me feel less alone to chat with her. She understands how vunerable it feels to be living in someone else’s house, only by their grace and generosity do you get to rest knowing you’ll still have a roof over your head in the morning. I’m very aware of not wanting to be a burden, and of the risk of losing a good friendship if this roommate situation doesn’t work out. Its a very humbling situation to be in, actually.

i notice the little things now. I went to use my trunk and saw the dog blankets in the hatch there to keep hair and drool off my backseat headrests. I made a cheese sandwich today and no Retriever head was gently pressed against my thigh, asking for a sample. I’ve unpacked, but I don’t feel rooted yet- I feel quite adrift actually, and tired, and overwhelmed with facing the next 4 months during my first pregnancy without my husband nearby. Its not that I can’t do it, I know I can, its that I really don’t want to.

Which brings me to a bit more of the background. The why do I have to be apart. Well, I have student loans and they don’t pay themselves. I’m hoping to request forgiveness for the months while I’m on EI for maternity leave, maybe pay interest only or something so its a bit more manageable. We’ll see. Also, I won’t qualify for maternity benefits until 32 weeks pregnant, and even though I’m not returning to my job I do have to only take a "leave" and not "quit" or I don’t get the full year of benefits. I also need to save up for a year of pension contributions, mine plus the employers portion, which isn’t cheap. Add in that I’ve already started this year at $1500/month pay cut from Alberta and lagging from the 6 months of dual household expenses and you have me desperate to work now so I can spend the next year with my baby.

Which really is what this is all about, of course. And so that in itself is a bit of a needle to the heart, knowing that had our daughter been born healthy I would be across country with my entire family heading out on a new life adventure. I see that woman, confidently balancing babe and family demands, she is so happy, so carefree. She smiles as she dances with her daughter held high against a sunny blue sky. And I want to be her. Not that I won’t be her someday, I feel that I can and will, but there is some mourning to the fact that I am not her, now.

And that brings me to Critter. Oh Critter, how I love you so already. I felt your first movements about three weeks ago, and from time to time you have active days that make me feel so grateful for your presence. I truly feel the universe chose you for me, how could it not have, cancelled flight and all (see back a few entries for the conception story). I have to remind myself that while my whole family has left, it is only my whole old family. I hold part of my new family within me. Part of a gift, made out of the love that Jack and I have shared through the good and bad times of the last almost 8 years. The past year has been the hardest, and we’ve made it through with love and shared hope for the future. I love that man so much, the sound of his voice on the video he sent of our puppy swimming in the lake today still makes my heart excited. I realize both how lucky I am everyday, as well as from time to time how devastated I would be if anything were to happen to bring tragedy again to our little family. I know the value of loss and while not terrified of it, I am not eager to experience it firsthand anytime soon. 6 more weeks and Critter will be viable no matter what the outcome. I am almost entirely positive we will make it to term, but there always is that small possibility that creeps into my mind from time to time. Such is the problem with knowing the monster of loss too intimately; having helped other parents and then myself at releasing children to the afterlife, I know that things can turn so quickly. I really hope and believe the universe has a different plan, a different lesson for me to learn this time.

And so I know that I am not truly alone, I have friends, I have my surrogate family, I have family available via phone and text. I may go to sleep without anyone by my side, and not have my pets greet me when I get home from work, and feel the lonely ache of lost time and the opportunity cost of missed memories, but I will get my family back. This is just a temporary loss, a short term separation for the long term benefit of how I hope the end of 2011 into 2012 will turn out.

And so I work on my masters (almost finished!), face a new school year of residents (starting monday) at work and look towards finishing my NP licensure exams in October, and rejoining Jack and the animals for the best birthday present I can think to give him- me and Critter, finally under one roof, together.

FGirl