4 months

Wow, I have a four month old daughter, that still blows my mind just a little bit!

I don’t have much time to write, baby finally sleeping and will be up at least 3 times before up for the day at 6am so I have to go get some rest. But I wanted to share that I am both loving and being challenged by Mommyhood, my baby is insanely happy and easy going but rarely sleeps (so really, she’s happy, should I complain??) I’m talking 4- 30 minute naps during the day and 2-4 hours x 2 stretches at night. We are doing some attachment-y parenting stuff, some mainstream stuff, basically following what feels right for her/us/occasionally what friends or books recommend. My biggest stress and fear is daycare when she is 8 months, first because she refuses a bottle (I would list what we’ve tried in terms of different liquids, nipples, caregivers, location, time of day, temperature etc but it’d bore you to know how specifically we’ve tried to problem solve this) and second because she is already making strange (after an hour with Daddy while I’m out its big tears until she falls asleep with him rocking her, le sigh) and third because I worry with only 3-4 hours sleep at night that I’ll suck at embarking on my next career move which will reflect poorly on my performance in general (I’m also a bit frazzled about the whole job interview thing, like what if my nipples leak and I’m distracted, but seriously I won’t let that get in my way, I just have time to think about these things because I’m on mat leave…) I haven’t had the easiest post partum recovery but I’m getting there. I think I have a mild touch of ppd but I’m dealing with it well, I get out daily with the dog and I’m starting to make friends in the new city (both Mommy friends and non-new Mommy friends) and I manage to do a bit around the house (though I wish I were doing more, I just don’t have the energy most days!). I’ve lost all the baby weight in pounds but need to workout to tone up, also have to lose about 5 pounds from my first pregnancy (and then get into the post wedding weight and master’s degree weight but for now I’ll work on that first goal!), so that’s the icky thoughts portion of this update.

Onto the better parts. I wrote this today in my baby journal "As I hold you close, and feel the weight of your little body against me, listening to your soft even breaths while feeling your baby soft hair against my cheek with the sweet smell of baby bath on your skin I’m reminded how much I love you, how long I wanted to be a Mommy and how short these baby days truly are." I rock her to sleep every night (we used to have to nurse to sleep, so this is progress!!) and its such a special time when she is just so soft and warm. I only have a small book with a few lines each day, I don’t write often or much that is really interesting but I try to capture these moments. I go back to the days when she first came home, the sight of her when she was so tiny and new, the fuzz of her spikey hair, her skinny little legs. The light of her first Christmas tree visible as I sat and nursed her around the clock for days on end.

She smiles at me just for showing up let alone when I sing songs for her or play with her. Man she HATES her nose being wiped, she has her first case of the sniffles and the nurse in me wants her face clean but she’s so angry when I try! It’s about the only thing other than being hungry or tired that makes her cry. She sleeps next to us in her pack n play and I don’t want her down the hall- I like having the dog at the foot of the bed, the husband next to me and the baby nearby. Jack wants her out though (mostly as he thinks he’ll get more nookie if she is in another room, haha!) but for now Health Canada’s 6 month co sleep recommendation is keeping her close. She’s long, and chubby and just a whole lot of wonderful. She’s started stroking my face and exploring my nose, she is getting the hang of kicking and splashing in the tub and loves to flash smiles whenever you look at her. I think she may know her name, she’s been turning when I say it but then it could just be my voice? Of course I think she’s smart, she gets bored of the same toys so I have to stash and reintroduce them to keep her interest. Well except for the little soft lizard rattle, that thing is mega popular. She smiles and goes "HUMMMMM!" when she sees it.

I ended up having more time for an update than I thought. Gotta go, baby squeaking!

FG