TMI

Today is the first time I have been drunk by myself. I feel miserable. Now I know why I have never tried this before. I have always made a point to never drink when I was upset. Tonight we have a friend in town and she made me a drink. It was really strong. After I drank it and was feeling really good she went to bed with my room mate. I decided to make another because I am not doing to hot in my life right now.  This is a mistake.

I am feeling better about things. I guess this is the happy part of being drunk. The reason people become alcoholics. But I do know that I am going to have to tell Ryan about things when he gets home from work and I fear that he is going to think everything I say is just drunk talk.

Here is what is going on. For the past 4 years Ryan has basically been taking care of me. I have worked for maybe a year of our realationship. He decided that he will support me (by working some shit job) through college so I don’t have to balance school and work. I am planing on being a nurse. I have one more year of bull shit classes (that I am takig online) before I can start the program. The prgram last two years then I am an official nurse. After I am a nurse for one year I am going to become a traveling nurse. While that is going on Ryan is going to quit his job and relax. Both him and I are really looking forward to this. Sounds great, right?

Here is the problem. I have never taking online classes before and this semester my whole schedual is online. I have recently found out that online classes are not for me. I am a visual and audio learner. basically I am failling all but one of my classes. I don’t know how to tell him he has to wait an extra half year till he can quit. I love him so much and he has done so much for me. I hate this.

This is not my only problem. Bipolar disorder and depression runs in my family. My mom, brother, and uncle all have it. I am pretty sure I have depression.

The Reason Why—Lately I can’t get motivated to do anything. My sex life is almost non-existant. I don’t want to leave the house. I have gained 20 pounds in the past 4 months. My self esteme is is in the negative. I have gone from smoking half a pack a day to almost a pack and a half. I think Ryan is going to leave me even though I know he really loves me. Also I know I have hpv. Ryan won’t belive me and we don’t have the money for me to get tested. I know because I have one of the REALLY obvious signs. I won’t let Ryan see because I am scared he will leave me (even though deep down I know he won’t). That is why he won’t believe me. I nkow the hpv isn’t the reason for my depression. I hate that I know I have no real reason to be depressed and that is what really bugs me. Sure I have a fucked up family but everyone does. Sure I feel I can’t talk to Ryan, but that only happens when I am feeling this way. I want to cry but my normal self is always strong and I don’t want anyone to know that anything is wrong. I mean, my life is good. Why am I so sad?

My failing school, weight gain, sex life, and family realationship are all because of my depression so what is the rute cause? I use to be such a go getter. I didn’t let anything stand in the way of my future. And now an invisible wall is and I don’t know what to do. Even know that I am typing I am trying to hold back the tears, and for who. An invisible ocean of people that I don’t know. Why do I care if you see me cry when you can’t even see me?

Anyways, the reason I am scared about being drunk is because Ryan will be home soon and I know that I am going to spill all of this to him. I now that I need to be honest about all of this to him but he doesn’t need to deal with this all at once and right after work. I don’t want to him to see me like this. Why did I have to pretend like I was strong? Why do I have to pretend like I can stop the emotional abuse of my brother by watching him one a week? Once a week isn’t gong to do anything. There are 6 days that he is being told that he should have been put up for adobtion.

This reminds me. why do I pretend to be stronger then I am even when I am normal? My last post was about how I was going to take my brother away from all of that. And what do I do? I just blow it off as a crazy idea.

I don’t know.