Blocked out memories

I just realized recently that I don’t remember much from the age 9 an under.  My brothers were talking about how much my parents fought and how mean they were to us kids.  I only remember smiles and laughter, and I don’t remember much of that.   I guess I blocked out all the bad times. 

It is so weird to find out that my childhood must have been so bad that I blocked it out.  Maybe that is why my parents are so nice to me now.  I don’t remember the bad things so I can’t hold a grudge.  I am the only one who still talks to my dad.  My mom just called me today and asked me if I wanted to go on vacation w/ her.  She didn’t ask either of my brothers. 

Maybe this is why my brothers don’t hate me for it.  I had the ability to block it out and they want me to love them even though they can’t. 

I want to know what I missed but yet I don’t.  I want to know what could make someones childeren indiffernt to them, but yet I want know my parents as I do now.

Wonder if they beat us.  Maybe they just screamed a lot.  They could have thrown things.  They could have been cheating on each other.  They could have used us kids against one another.

I do remember one time that they got into a fight and my mom took me to a hotel.  She didn’t take anyone else, just me.  She told me it was just a girls night out.  We left the hotel to go back home before the sun came up.  I know that I didn’t sleep all night because they let me stay home from school to sleep that day.  I don’t remember what was said or done in the hotel room.  Maybe we just talked.  Maybe I spent the whole night listening to them argue over the phone.  Maybe my dad came and made us come home.

I also remember one day sitting at the top of the stairs crying listening to my dad yell at my older brother.  I don’t remember what it was about or how long it lasted.

The last bad thing I remember is staring at the front door and wondering why my mom was gone all the time.  My dad told me she was at college.  I know this was true because she is a doctor now.  What I don’t understand is the extreme emptyness I felt at that moment.  It felt like my mom had abandoned me.

They both would  kill everyone in the world if I asked them to, but they won’t even look in the direction of my brothers.  I am the only one of us who will still talk to my dad, and we hang out all the time.  My mom wants to take me on vacations and will drive 5 hours just to see me for one day, but when my brother had his kid she only came to see it once I was there.  He only lives 30 minutes from her.

It scares me to think about he reasons this separation could have happened.  I want to know why all this happened. I feal like I am missing something that is right in front of my face.