Afraid of the hidden me.

I am sitting at home. Alone again, and I am scared.  Not so much scared but I do have that nervous fealing in the pit of my stomach.  Like somthing bad is going to happen.  Like a storm is comming.  It didn’t happen untill I started this diary and I think I know what it is.  I am scared that people are going to see who I really am.  Every time I get a comment on one of my entries I get that light headed fealing like I am about to get really bad news.  I think that I am mostly scared that I am seeing who I really am.

I am not this angry person.  I am not a person who feals so stronly about the rights of others.  I am a quite person.  I am the cute friend that never gets angry.  I let everything slide.  I don’t express what I feal because it might hurt others.  I play video games and laugh a lot.  It is the most fearful thing to have to look at your self and see who you truley are.

I think I played video games to pretend that I was helping others w/ out accually haveing to.  To escape the fact that the real world exist and it can be a bad place.  The day I started this diary I probibly played Kindom Hearts 2 for about 10 hours that day.  I haven’t played since. 

Writing is like a drug.  After I do I feal relieved and lighter.  A few hours later I am off my high and need another hit.  The only time I feal ok is when I am writing here.  I think it is because it is the only time I am truely myself.  When I go back later and read what I wrote it is almost as if it is from another person.

I want to be myself, but I was so comfortable in my little bubble.  What if people don’t like who I really am?  Why is it so scary to be who I am?

When I screamed at Jenny for "accidentaly" hitting our car I got a rush.  That was the frist time I have ever yelled at someone and I wanted more.  I wanted to get out everything that I have bottled up.  I want to know what it was about that particular moment that allowed me to say that it is not ok to ignore and trample on me.  When joe took $500 from me I let it go.  If I see him on the street I will even say hi.  When my brother told my dad about my partying and boyfriends and tatoo and ruined his little girl image of me, I just went to my dad and said that I was sorry to let him down.  I went to my brother and said nothing.  Why the hitting of my car?  Why at that particular moment? And why with someone that affects everyone in our house?

I think if Ryan gets home tonight at a desent time I am going to try and tell him about the real me.  I have tryed many times before but I chicken out.  I can only get out that I want to talk and then he goes in to "She is going to break up with me mode" and I change my mind.  I can’t spill my soul to someone who thinks that I am about to break thier heart.

Before this diary these thoughts would just flash into my mind and I would cover them up with the nintendo or a horror movie.  Now I am having to face them and see that they are real.  I am so scared but yet I want more.