My worst enemy: myself

This is one of the lowest down’s I’ve ever been (without self harming that is)

I’m still 3 years clean on cutting myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still think about it, especially lately.

The last 5 months have been a downwards spiral into sadness, it started kind of slowly, but now each and every day is getting harder and I can’t cope.

I’m ruining my future, and the fucked up part is how badly i want that future.

It’s so bad that my boyfriend is even being a sweetheart, like how you are extra nice when your partner is sick, and he stopped talking about how depression is a made up disease.

I realize it is a burden for him, my behaviour and mood that is.

My mind is waging a war against me, and I feel so helpless.

But who is going to save me from myself, when I am an adult and it’s my own responsibility?

It’s gotten so bad, that some nights, my mind wanders towards suicidal thoughts. I had always hurt myself, but I rarely tried to kill myself in the process, so having suicidal thoughts is still very scary for me.

They aren’t even that serious of thoughts, I just don’t like how I can’t control them.

I’ve made such a mess of things.