love vs life long disease

I’m unhappy.

 

And I’ve never been so verbal about it, without getting the support I need in return.

 

My lifestyle and living habits reflect my recent decent into my depression-as the approaching winter always brings it out more.

 

The only thing that was going right is my boyfriend, my love, my sweetheart, the only one for me.

 

If I’m not careful my self destructive behaviour is going to drive him away…

 

Don’t get me wrong, we love each other so much, but it is hard for him because he just doesn’t understand depression.

 

We fought all weekend, he was so disgusted with how gross my apartment has gotten, as I recently have lost the energy to take after myself.

 

My apartment was disgusting, a real life representation of my mind.

 

I broke down, I couldn’t stand the criticism anymore because I have no excuse or explanation.

 

I shut down when we try to talk about it because he just suggests how to fix things and I tell him, that’s not the problem, I know how to fix things, the issue is the lack of interest of taking care of myself.

 

He told me he just doesn’t get that, not that I expect him to, depression isn’t exactly logical.

 

I’m starting a new anti depressant (he doesn’t like the idea, he respects my decision though), but they won’t start kicking in until at least 6 weeks, and even then they might not be for me.

 

I tried anti depressants when I was 15 and hated them, but that was then, and this is now, who knows.

 

Anyway, I have to force myself to fix at least the visible areas of my life that my depression is effecting, because if I lose the love of my life, over my depression, something I’m-we’re going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, then I won’t have anything.