Whoa

I think he’s gone into attack mode.

Let me first take a step backwards.  After my entry Sunday evening, I thought everything was going to be alright.  Bobby seemed to accept that our relationship is not going to work, and all was peaceful.  He started his new job yesterday morning, and left the apartment before I did.  As I was heading out the door for work, I noticed an envelope stuffed into my purse.  It was a long, hand-written letter from him.  I was running late, so I folded it back up and decided to read it when I got to the office.

I didn’t immediately read the letter when I sat down at my desk.  I logged onto MySpace, and first made a few changes.  I set my status back to single, and I removed the pictures of Bobby and me together from the photo section.  I also moved my two closest friends, Tammy and Alsie, back to the top spots of the friends section.  I then pulled the bulging envelope from my Prada bag and began to read the five page note.
Hello Rachel,

It’s about 2 in the morning and I’m not sleeping very well, so I thought that maybe writing out some things might get me to relax and feel somewhat better to communicate with you. Seeing as how that is the best way to get through to you and have a much more in depth response.

As much (or little) as we have discussed how much I have let you down, I want you to know that I still have hope and desire to be the man that you thought I was. I know that it may be a long shot, but I see you as being someone that can be open and perceptive to me making a change for the "guy" you thought I was.

I know that you are numb, which is just another way of saying you are not in love with me anymore. I can see why, that is not a mystery. With my abuse and sloth like actions during that time, I am sorry. I am planning to be more of someone with a future, and not a scrub. I think financially, it made sense to live together. Hell, why not? Anywhere someone can save money why not? I don’t want to give up. I just don’t. With some time and staying on the path that I have begun on New Year’s day, I hope to show you that person.

I can’t help what I have done, shown you that side of me. But what I can do and will do is keeping my promise to you. That I will not let something like that get in the way ever again. I have told you that a few times, but I don’t think that it has registered with you.

I don’t know your past relationships or anything, but if you have had empty promises made only to not be fulfilled, that sucks. Because I just don’t think that you believe me when I made that promise. The only way I can prove that to you is by my actions. In which I am not going to be getting drunk, smoking pot, or becoming addicted to something.

The only thing I want to be addicted to is you. You are such a wonderful person, and no man could ask for a better package. Being near you, smelling your scent, looking in your eyes, makes me feel so lucky, so engulfed with desire to make you happy. To open up and let you in. I don’t open up easily, or give myself to people often. I find you intriguing, special, and any other form of flattery one could come up with. When words fail, poetry is the only thing to describe how I feel for you.

Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with that now. LOL! Even though, that you don’t feel the same way now, in due time, you seeing me working, staying sober, and being a friend will melt the ice that surrounds your heart for me, and let me back in.

I also believe that when I get my own apartment, the time we do share will become special again. I think that being around one another has somehow gotten to be a routine, and not an event. I don’t know when you will be reading this note, but the fact that you haven’t already put it down, thrown it away, burned it or whatever, means something to me. If the only way for you to get out what you feel towards me or our relationship is by writing to me through an email or letter, then so be it. I don’t think either one of us is very good at communicating feelings through words. They tend to be cut and dry, when we are both complex and deep thinkers.

I used to keep a diary a long time ago, but when the person I was with went through it to see if I was writing about them, I just haven’t. It is almost like evidence of something, so that is why I haven’t written anything in a long time. I hope you can understand that. Sometimes I get unnerved and emotional, but it doesn’t come out. I don’t know what or how, but it gets vented somehow.

I want to get to know you better. I want to know you inside and out. It’s fun to me. I don’t think you know all of me either. I remember writing you everyday on MySpace and the fun we had. The suggestive notes, the comment you left me when you first moved here, all of those things made me feel as if I was wanted. Wanted by the most beautiful woman I have hever met. It made me like a man.

All the little things you do, talk and walk in your sleep, your laugh, the sounds you make when you stretch, the faces you make when I do something silly. All of it. It’s a plethera of joy and excitement.

I loved you and still love you so sincerely, with all of me. I don’t plan on this note to make all the bad things I have done to go away. But this is something I hope that we can build on. Not starting over from scratch, but you know what I mean.

All and all, I don’t know if you have ever given someone a second chance, but I am more than willing to show you that I will not disappoint you or your heart again. I don’t want to lose you to someone else or something else. It’s all so fresh and it will take time, but I am and will be patient. I know that you are not, but I hope that it is not in this area. That is all I can do is hope. But don’t ever for a moment think that I am only doing this so that I can have the physical side of things. I want the emotional closeness that we share to come back to life.

Words are words, written, typed or spoken. So I know that this is a waste of paper, but I have to get it out. It keeps my thoughts and feelings organized. I am still somewhat, well actually, crushed. But it melts away when I’m near you, holding you, or lying next to you.

You make me feel happy. Like I’m not alone in this confusing, unsure world. Knowing that you are who you are is a constant. Seeing me do what I had done is not something you need in your life. Which is why I am going to show you that I am responsible, dependable, and constant. Just let me show you. Give me that at least. And I won’t disappoint. maybe repeat myself 18 times, but not disappoint.

I don’t know how or if I want you to respond this moment on this letter, but at some point in time, I hope to find a letter or note telling me that you are proud of me, want me, and see me for the person I am. Little things like telling me you are proud of something I have done will work. Who doesn’t like words of encouragement. LOL!

I think this will do for now. I have only scratched the surface on how much you move me and how much I love you. All this paper would be gone if I let it all out and my hand would hurt a lot more.

I love you Rachel, so much. Past relationships and their emotions don’t

compare to how much you mean to me. I look at it as a culmination of feelings for you. I had them locked up for a long time, and you had the key.

With love always,
Bobby
I didn’t get it.  I thought that he finally understood how I feel.  I thought that he had accepted that I’m not in love with him anymore and that those feelings are never coming back.  At this point, I was feeling pretty helpless.

Fast forward to yesterday evening.  Bobby didn’t get home from work until around 7pm.  He actually got off at 3pm.  I don’t know where he went, but he apparently stopped somewhere with internet access.  His office has blocked MySpace, but he had checked it by the time he got home.   He walked in the door, completely ignored my question of "how was work," and sat on the futon in the spare bedroom.  I was in the middle of cooking dinner, but every few minutes, I’d stick my head in and ask if he was okay.  No response.  He just sat there with his head in his hands.

After eating, I asked him again if he was okay and just stood there until he said something.  He saw that I had changed my MySpace, and it has finally sunk in that it’s over.  He went on and on about how much of a failure he is and that there is absolutely no reason for him to stay in Colorado.  I told him that I wished there was something I could say to make it better, but of course there isn’t.  I walked out of the room, and he locked himself in and talked on the phone. He talked to someone for about an hour, then sat on the couch with me.  Then we talked some more. He kept going back and forth on whether he should stay or leave, never really coming to a decision.  He did decide to start sleeping on the couch, and he also said he’s going to stay away as much as possible.  Said he’ll go to coffee shops or bookstores after work and not come home until I’m ready for bed.  I don’t think that’s necessary, but whatever.

This morning, I tried to be really quiet getting ready for work because he was asleep on the couch.  The TV was on when I first got up, but he had turned it off by the time I got out of the shower.  He doesn’t have to be at work until around 10am, so I assumed he wanted to get some more sleep.  When I was done getting ready, I needed to prepare my breakfast and lunch for the day.  I was planning to use the blender, just as I do every single morning, to make a smoothie.  I knew it would disturb him, so I woke him up and asked him to get in the bed.  He said no, so I told him that I was about to make some noise and that he should really go get in the bed.  He got up all huffy, and instead of getting in the bed, went to the spare room to lay on the futon.  I don’t know why he was acting like that. 

Just after I got to work this morning, I got a text message from him.  "What the fuck is your problem?"  I have no idea what he was talking about!  If he was talking about my asking him to get in the bed this morning, I was trying to be considerate.  I was trying to let him get some more sleep!  I sent him a message back saying that I don’t know what he’s talking about.  No response.  I sent one a few minutes later saying I honestly don’t know what he’s talking about.  It’s been an hour and a half, and he still hasn’t responded.

I guess I should’ve expected a reaction like this at some point.  Damon did the same thing when we split up several years ago, and I treated David similarly when he left for Pennsylvania.  Damon went through a range of emotions, as did I.  Sadness, helplessness, regret, anger.  I felt all of those things at different times with David, and I should’ve known that Bobby would react the exact same way.  I know that one day he’ll realize that if one person is not happy in the relationship, it will never last.  It’s best to end it now than to try to string things along to no avail.

Felina